Tomorrow is the big day. Funny I say "big," because, after the last appointment, I'm thinking my boobs aren't going to be as big as I'd hoped. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm kind of going in with low expectations when it comes to final results.
I'm coping pretty well, though. Joseph and I have had a couple little spats, but nothing a few sentences of explanation and apology didn't repair. He's been through a lot lately - with the suicide of a family member just last week. Everything seems to be hitting at once, and I think it's a testament to our mutual love and respect that our relationship hasn't suffered with all the stress. It really is a beautiful thing when two people form a partnership that enables them to face the world as stronger individuals.
Yesterday, Melanie was gracious enough to go to "TJ Ross" (our new favorite phrase) so I could get a nice new robe and a fitness ball. The fitness ball is great for sitting on while on the computer and for pressing my back against when it gets sore. I think it will be a multi function helper. The robe I found is luxurious. It's that nice slinky rayon with the feel of bamboo. Inexpensive, but fabulous. I also found a cute little nighty to go under it. It is really important to me that I have things that make me feel pretty or please me aesthetically. It's all about exploiting the sensory input that is still capable of pleasure.
We repositioned the couch so that the TV will be easier to view without craning my neck. I found the memory foam and the down mattress cover from my old bed along with my favorite sheets. Now the fold out bed is pimped and ready for my comfortable lounging. We have the PS3 set up to stream Netflix - and all is well in the world. A few loads of laundry and a trip to the grocery store, and we'll be ready to rock.
Dad and his finance will meet Joseph and I at the surgery center at 8:00am. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight. I do get to take my meds in the morning, so Xanax should help with the pre mask anxiety. They also will administer Versed when I'm still with dad and Joseph, so that helps. I keep telling myself it's going to be ok and, for the most part, I believe me. Melanie will provide transport from the surgery center back to my house since her car is the most comfortable to ride in. Although I anticipate being rather out of it, I'm still glad I'll get to see her. Some people just make a person feel better, you know?
So-here we go again! My hope is that I go in feeling as calm as I did for the first surgery, and come out feeling a hell of a lot better. It's encouraging that I can face such things and not become as overwhelmed as I did when I was younger. Age can be the barer of some very useful gifts.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A curious case of the Blahs
Luckily it is not yesterday. Yesterday was sucky. It was a take-all-you-can-get-to-feel-sad-about-and-mix-it-with-some-self-loathing day, and it did not go so well. Luckily I have a great partner that I can come clean about this kind of stuff with. He's patient with me. Wants to look at my eyeballs when I tell him I'm depressed. Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to the surgery at this point. I was gung ho at first-just excited to be done-but now I'm feeling kind of down about trying to come back from this. I've gained weight and lost muscle and even though I'm still a spring chicken by most accounts, it's not as easy to get back into shape as it used to be. At any rate, I have a long list of questions for the doctor next week, and hopefully I'll feel good going into it. I'm sure I will. I rally well. It's the anticipation that gets me...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
*Sigh*
I just returned from my final expansion. I've got 550ccs in. The doctor is kind of back and forth with just how big the final implant would be. I trust him to do what he can. I'd like as much as I can get to put my figure back to "normal." Though "normal" at this point could be achieved by simply slimming down under the armpits. It's getting pretty crowded there. I have one last check in with the doc on 2/17, then my exchange surgery on 2/22. I am really, really ready for this to be done. I think I may have opted for a different reconstruction method if I'd have known I wouldn't tolerate the expansion process well. Since I'm good and medicated, I don't hurt too bad yet, but I'm clumsy as a motherfucker. The pressure is steadily increasing as I write (and stop to put up coffee). I'll attempt to keep in front of the pain. I'm balancing my own medication schedule: muscle relaxers (not the old skool kind that put me out, but a newer type that doesn't feel like much), hydrocodone, and pot. I get really nauseous with the hydro, so the pot helps-and keeps the pain down. I work a short shift tonight after bereavement group and knitting. Thank goodness for friendships and time.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thank you,sir, may I have another?
Quite a bit has happened since my last post. My work, relying on my previous doctor's note as the word of Christ, gave me a few options-all of which had me in a panic. I could either return to full duty and keep my hours, work only the second half of my regular shifts, or take more time off siting medical leave. I investigated my options, and, despite my supervisor's initial email to the contrary, was able to add my two cents and come up with a temporary workable situation. I have 2/3 of my hours for the next three weeks. I think this will be enough to squeak by on in the short term. At first I couldn't see how this would work out. Full duty was going to be really tough with more expansions to go. I could BS my way through, but what if I dropped a baby or something? What if me pushing myself too hard meant harm to someone I was responsible for? I'm not very good at acknowledging my limits-and this one was a hard one to swallow. Half time wasn't going to cover my bills-even with Joseph's help on rent and whatnot. I looked into our state's unemployment/temp disability laws, and it seems like they aren't very accommodating. Luckily one of the nights I'm working entails me presenting on various topics to the residents, and it's a task that would be difficult for another staff to fill in on. After this week (Wed being the second to last fill!), I realized that the hours being cut were actually rather helpful. This shit is an ordeal, and I need my rest.
Joseph's Birthday is today! What a guy I've got. I feel so lucky to have him. He really takes great care of me without making me feel like a fucking invalid. He's sensitive to my needs, and rolls with the punches as well as anyone could. I was afraid to admit I ever wanted so much from another human because I though it was simply too much to ask. But here he is...
I have a pretty awesome medical update. My current doctor does things a bit differently than other surgeons I've read about. I have heard his reasoning as well as the logic behind other surgeon's methods, and they both make sense to me. My doctor's strategy sounds like the preferred plan since it shortens the length of my reconstruction and...well...shortens the length of my reconstruction:) The plan now is to have one more expansion in a week and a half (Feb 3) which will put me at 550cc, then wait three weeks and have the exchange surgery. Dr. Hardy has explained that he would like to carve out a little more tissue by the sternum in order to give a bit more cleavage, and thinks he can get 750cc implants in. In effect the final expansion will be done with the permanent implants. This sounds good to me as I hear the implants are much more comfortable than the expanders. I like the idea of having the final steps combined into one last procedure, then starting to feel better and better without the setbacks that expansions result in. We'll see how it goes. I think with proper pain management and being at the hospital that I want to be at (close to home!!!), I'll do well. Thank goodness there's an end in sight. I'm tiring of this ordeal. I can make it, but I'm tired.
Joseph's Birthday is today! What a guy I've got. I feel so lucky to have him. He really takes great care of me without making me feel like a fucking invalid. He's sensitive to my needs, and rolls with the punches as well as anyone could. I was afraid to admit I ever wanted so much from another human because I though it was simply too much to ask. But here he is...
I have a pretty awesome medical update. My current doctor does things a bit differently than other surgeons I've read about. I have heard his reasoning as well as the logic behind other surgeon's methods, and they both make sense to me. My doctor's strategy sounds like the preferred plan since it shortens the length of my reconstruction and...well...shortens the length of my reconstruction:) The plan now is to have one more expansion in a week and a half (Feb 3) which will put me at 550cc, then wait three weeks and have the exchange surgery. Dr. Hardy has explained that he would like to carve out a little more tissue by the sternum in order to give a bit more cleavage, and thinks he can get 750cc implants in. In effect the final expansion will be done with the permanent implants. This sounds good to me as I hear the implants are much more comfortable than the expanders. I like the idea of having the final steps combined into one last procedure, then starting to feel better and better without the setbacks that expansions result in. We'll see how it goes. I think with proper pain management and being at the hospital that I want to be at (close to home!!!), I'll do well. Thank goodness there's an end in sight. I'm tiring of this ordeal. I can make it, but I'm tired.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Can you expand on that?
This is my first full week back at work. Unfortunately it coincided with my first in town expansion. I had to go through some rigmarole to get an appointment, so I jumped on the first one they offered-Wednesday morning at 7:30 am. I had the day to relax, and went to work at 6pm to pull the first of three all-nighters. The down side was that the 50ccs of extra saline in each side made quite a stink under my muscle. My expanders are at 450ccs each now, which is technically full capacity. This doctor and my Seattle surgeon have differing views on how much overfill one can achieve with a given expander. The local doc thinks filling a 450cc expander to 850cc (as I had been told would be needed to achieve a D cup) will only result in me having a rock hard ball under my pectoralis. This, as you may expect, would be incredibly uncomfortable and probably a bit counter productive.
The Seattle plastics surgeon was rather flippant about most questions I had and never gave me much in the way of specific answers. That combined with the fact that I never saw him after the initial consult, and don't even know if he actually performed the second half of my procedure with his own hands, leaves me devoid of loyalty or confidence. The Seattle surgeon from the SCCA who removed the breast tissue was the reason I made the trip, and the plastics doc was more of an afterthought. Though the local plastics doc doesn't promise a return to my original size, he offers several other benefits which have resulted in my decision to have him see me through the remainder of my expansion and on through my exchange surgery.
He has great credentials and a very good bedside manner. There was no excessive poking.
He gave logical, clear explanations and answered all of my questions to my satisfaction.
Having the last surgery locally will be more convenient and less expensive. I trust the hospital staff here to take better care of me post op than did the nursing staff at UW. Joseph will be able to keep up with school and care for me simultaneously. My friends will be able to visit and help out.
I feel confident that I will wake up from surgery with the results I'm told I can expect. Of course there is always a bit of uncertainty with a procedure like this, but I think any changes would be because of a medical necessity rather than an error.
I like the idea that the money stays in the community.
Scheduling will be easier now that I'm "in."
So...
I have two more expansions scheduled, and then I could be ready for the exchange surgery. It's nice to think that this all could be done sooner than I thought, and without a long trip to Seattle and back. Hopefully I can come out of this with a nice set of C cups and the promise of someday sleeping on my side again...
The Seattle plastics surgeon was rather flippant about most questions I had and never gave me much in the way of specific answers. That combined with the fact that I never saw him after the initial consult, and don't even know if he actually performed the second half of my procedure with his own hands, leaves me devoid of loyalty or confidence. The Seattle surgeon from the SCCA who removed the breast tissue was the reason I made the trip, and the plastics doc was more of an afterthought. Though the local plastics doc doesn't promise a return to my original size, he offers several other benefits which have resulted in my decision to have him see me through the remainder of my expansion and on through my exchange surgery.
He has great credentials and a very good bedside manner. There was no excessive poking.
He gave logical, clear explanations and answered all of my questions to my satisfaction.
Having the last surgery locally will be more convenient and less expensive. I trust the hospital staff here to take better care of me post op than did the nursing staff at UW. Joseph will be able to keep up with school and care for me simultaneously. My friends will be able to visit and help out.
I feel confident that I will wake up from surgery with the results I'm told I can expect. Of course there is always a bit of uncertainty with a procedure like this, but I think any changes would be because of a medical necessity rather than an error.
I like the idea that the money stays in the community.
Scheduling will be easier now that I'm "in."
So...
I have two more expansions scheduled, and then I could be ready for the exchange surgery. It's nice to think that this all could be done sooner than I thought, and without a long trip to Seattle and back. Hopefully I can come out of this with a nice set of C cups and the promise of someday sleeping on my side again...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Play By Play from Caring Bridge
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 5:10 PM, MST
Hello all. A week from today I'll be going in for the surgery at 10am. I have to be there extra early for the mapping (injections of radioactive dye around my aureole to help them locate my sentinel lymph nodes). Dad and I leave Monday morning. I'll post when we get to the big city! ((Hugs everyone))
Monday, November 30, 2009 10:09 PM, MST
Hello from Seattle!!!
We made it here without incident, and I must say it was the prettiest drive through Eastern Washington I've experienced to date. The sky was rather spectacular. Dad and I shared some good laughs and Dad was quite tolerant of my music choices.
The SCCA House is insanely well stocked for anything we could possibly need. The room is really nice, though the view from my bedside window has this oddly shaped saucer thingy on a stick smack dab in the center of the skyline...I guess it's famous or something...anyway...
When we checked in, there was a package waiting for me at the front desk from a Miss Abra and Juliette-some beautiful original artwork which I promptly displayed in the room, and some yarn! (Cascade 220 Heathers in a LOVELY purple for those of you in the know).
Dad has a little twin bed on the other side of the bathroom from me, and I feel like I'm a princess in the lap of luxury and he's back in the army. But I guess that's a perk of getting the boob bombs removed.
Hanukkah Bunny has been the mascot for this trip and we've been taking pics of it in random places. It is quite ridiculous. And awesome.
Well-I'm tired and have a long one tomorrow. Things are starting to feel very real now, though I've been oddly calm most of the day.
Thanks for all your comments and caring. I feel everyone carrying this weight with me and appreciate the support.
I'll write again tomorrow!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 8:38 AM, MST
Buenos Dias,
Just getting ready to shuttle out to the various appointments today. I've got knitting and xanax, so all should be manageable. Oh-and I've got Pop, of course:) I'm lucky like that!
Anywho, I guess I can't have any flowers or plants in the building, and I thought I'd let you all know in case anyone was thinking of that old tradition of flowers sent to the hospital. I think pajamagrams are okay, though...just saying...
I'll write again sometime before surgery. In the mean time-take a deep cleansing breath for me should I cross your mind.
Much love.
P.S. I gave dad the tutorial on how to log in and post on this site so he can keep it updated when I'm under, high on pain meds, grumpy, etc...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 5:39 PM, MST
It has been quite the day and i am Exhausted with a capitol "E!" (I guess that's more for talking since you can see the cap when I write, but I digress).
I am feeling better about things than I did this morning after meeting with all the docs and nurses today. These people have their shiz together!
Anyway-Pop just brought in pizza and I think this will be the last entry before dad gives updates tomorrow. I go in at 7, surgery starts at 11 and lasts about 6 hours or so.
The surgeon will be sneaking Hanukkah Bunny in for an OR photo op:) That bunny has been quite the star!
Love to all. Thank you for your thoughts.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009 7:13 AM, MST
I'm going in! And I'm feeling pretty goofy! (Which is probably a coping mechanism, but it's better than some others I have seen!)
Ok, for reals...
I'm going in!!!!
Yahahooee.......
Thursday, December 3, 2009 12:11 AM, PST
Hello,
This is dad (or "Pop") here.
Jen is resting in her hospital room after a long day of surgery.
Everything went as planned. No surprises. The surgeon said that the sentinel nodes looked and felt normal as did all of the tissue they removed. Of course we have to wait for the pathology report to get the official results, but things look real positive. The reconstruction is off to a flying start with 350 cc of saline pumped into the 450 cc expanders they put in. That surgeon also said it went as expected.
They took a calm, joke telling Jen into surgery at 10:45 this morning and she got out at around 6 this afternoon. She was still telling jokes, but a little blurrier. She had been looking forward to telling someone after the surgery that she felt "drained" (she has 4 of them now). She tried it out on her Asian nurse - and she didn't get it. She explained that there are a lot of American jokes that she doesn't understand. Jen explained it to her, and she still didn't think it was funny. (I laughed.)
We took some pictures before surgery and a couple afterward. As soon as we get time (probably after she gets out of the hospital) I'll download them off of the camera and post some here.
Meanwhile, I'm in need of some sleep so I can be of some help to Jen tomorrow. I told her I would try to be there at about 7 tomorrow morning.
When I left her she was very peaceful, had a little bit of pain and was not scared at all.
Things are looking good.
Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers and support.
David
Thursday, December 3, 2009 11:24 PM, PST
Good evening, everyone,
Pop here again.
Just got back from the hospital. Jen decided that she wanted another day in the hospital before facing the car ride back to SCCA House. It wasn't the easiest day for Jen, but the nurse that was in charge of her care for most of the day said she was happy with the "great strides forward" she had made today. She said she didn't get a lot of sleep last night because they kept waking her up (sounds like a hospital, doesn't it?). Those nurses have to have something to do during their long nights.
Jen took a couple of walks around the floor today (of course it would be on the floor - she wasn't in the hospital to get wings installed. She may be a little lighter, but not that much lighter). She was able to eat food and go to the bathroom (the two requirements for her release from the hospital). It is very probable that she will be returning to SCCA House tomorrow. She did have a couple of instances of pain, but the nurses were able to help her get in front of the pain. She is much more comfortable with her back straight up and down rather than reclining. She spent several hours sleeping in the "guest" chair today while I slept in the hospital bed. When I left this evening, she was resting comfortably sitting in bed. She tried typing on the computer this afternoon, but the reaching made her hurt (after only about 3 characters), so she quit.
Her snail mail address here is: Jennifer Olson, 207 Pontuys Ave.N. Seattle, WA, 98109. We will probably be leaving this address on December 12th, so if your mail won't be here by that date, wait until she gets back to Missoula.
Guess that's all the news for now. Jen's color is back and she's looking good and feeling reasonable most of the time.
Thanks for being there for us.
David
Saturday, December 5, 2009 12:47 PM, MST
Howdy all-it's Jen here:)
Thanks to everyone who has signed the guestbook. It's so nice to hear from everyone.
I've enjoyed a full night of rest, and I'm experiencing more energy and less pain. Good stuff! I'm feeling optimistic again (which-not goin to lie) wasn't really how I'd describe the last couple of days.
I think I might be up watching a movie and trying to knit today:) I haven't been on the phone at all due to shortness of breath and the inability to get the phone to my ears. I'm working on those muscles, though, and I'm seeing improvement. If it weren't for yoga and my strong legs, I don't think I'd be doing near as well.
Dad has been taking great care of me, and has been very capable. It's hard to trust anyone with the stuff that needs to get done, but he's doing great.
I'm feeling more comfortable up and around-so we're taking "fart and cough walks"-which is just as the description sounds. Coughing is great to keep the lungs healthy, and the gas can get backed up when sitting. At any rate-it's been the source of a few jokes. It's nice to smile and get some humor back.
Gma sent some yarn today (Barefoot in Lupine) and a new little 9" circ to play with. Grams-you get an A++++++++++
Abra-thanks for your notes. They make me smile in an extra happy way:)
OK-back to wandering the halls. From the looks of it, I wouldn't be surprised if I got at least two of my drains out within the week. Every day is SO much better than the previous.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts sent this way.
Much love,
DBL (Deflated Boob Lady)
aka Jen
Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:53 AM, MST
Good early morning! My satin jammies got me into a bit of a predicament this morning, and I had to wake pop to help me out of my "slump" as it were.
I had really great moments yesterday which included a shower and several rows of knitting! Melissa-add that to the can do list!!!
I'm seriously ready to start wandering the town in search of some pancakes... I really want some friggin pancakes!!!
I think Dad is going to take the shuttle to the store at 9 and get some frozen stuff.
I'm glad the appetite is good, and I can do more and more on my own.
Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to my pop for dealing with some of the more icky and demanding aspects of my care. He's a total rockstar, and I need to figure out how to get him back somehow.
Thanks again for all the love.
Feeling good!
Jen
Monday, December 7, 2009 11:45 AM, MST
Well, I think I may be in over my head here-but that's a reasonable place to me:) We are going to attempt an outing. Turns out there is one shirt alone that is perfection for this aftercare business, and we're going to try to find one (or two) more of them.
When we leave the room for a walk, dad tries to tuck my tubes out of sight convinced that I will scare small children-just as I am convinced that I don't care. At any rate leaving the actual vicinity should be interesting.
I will report back-either with a debilitating tale of a treacherous car ride ending us where we began never once leaving the car. Or I'll take a pic of me giving Santa my most photogenic of fingers:)
Off we go then...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:32 PM, MST
Yay good day!!!! I did successfully wander the mall yesterday with Pop. I stayed in the chair with wheels since a) I like things that have wheels on them and b)I thought I'd last longer if I conserved energy. It also worked as a barrier method. In this instance, meaning people stayed a comfortable distance from me, rather than in the more commonly used birth control context. Anyway-how did I get so off track?!?!
K-so we made it home (and not without some flannel sheep pjs:) and I was WORN OUT!!! Spent. Couldn't talk or move or anything for the rest of the night. I did however manage to sleep comfortably laying flat on the mattress, and was able to get up on my own when I woke up. These are pretty awesome things!!!
Today I've felt well, and I even went to knit at the SCCA with other volunteers, employees, and patients/family being served by the SCCA. One gal that was there was xtra awesome, and she was working with this variegated cashmere wool DK yarn that was Gorgeous! Anywhoo-we hit it off and I've friended her on Rav (if you don't understand what I just said, that is ok. Keep reading)
I feel so lucky to be as healthy as I am, with minimal pain today. I feel wonderful about the friends and family that give me the strength I so need. So thank you all!
I think dad took some pics of knitting to put up, and since I just taught him an easier way to put them onto the computer, I expect they'll be up soon.
XOXOXOXOXO!!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:44 PM, MST
A few other things...
Aunt Holly- I got frozen pancakes...we'll be working on that...
Melissa-You are a first class goof ball
Abra-I have not entirely ruled out knitting with my toes, but it does appear I can put it off for now:)
Gma-I promise this is harder for you than it is for me at this point. Though last Thursday, it was way harder on me:)
K, Love you all,
Jen
Wednesday, December 9, 2009 5:28 PM, MST
Well-today was for sleeping:) Lots and lots of sleeping. Didn't get great sleep last night and with my first follow up doctor appointment in the morning, I thought I'd rest...a lot.
Dad totally scored the popcorn trifecta in the tin!!!!!!!!! It took a lot of fearless driving and exploration skills, but he managed a score! Good thing I don't do illicit drugs:)
OK-I'm going to shower (always an ordeal-but the warm water certainly sweetens the pot!), then get back to bed. Top Chef marathon-here we come!
Hugs to all, and I'll tell you how the doc apt goes in the morning.
Oh!!! One little tid bit I forgot-we heard from pathology and there's no sign of any cancer anywhere. Wasn't really worried about it, but it's still great to hear:) Looks like my first punch is a K. O.! I'm sorry for those who didn't have the opportunity to get that first swing in...
More hugs,
Jen
Thursday, December 10, 2009 2:18 PM, MST
Hello wonderful people!
So...last night I got a bit of a fever (very low grade) and started being nervous about having to go into the hospital. I kept my movement down to a minimum, drank an entire 64 oz bottle of cranberry juice and almost another 64 oz of water, and checked in with the doc on call. There was some heat and redness around the breast mounds, but not close to the stitches. At any rate, all went well and I was able to stay at the House and rest until my appt today. Which was great!
I had two drains removed and it was a piece of cake! Didn't feel a thing. Even had my favorite nurse do the removal. Awesome. I expect the last two drains will be removed within the next week. It will make showering and apparel choices much easier:)
The doc said all was looking quite good, and we are carrying on! I'll see her again in 6mo. Probably about the time I come to town for the switcharooni (from expanders to implants).
So there is all the jargon. It looks like Joseph has found us a great little house and it will be ready for us to move into as soon as we return to Missoula:) Dexter will have a place to go and we can get a doggie when we can get a fence up. I'll be bugging those within Missoula to help us move our stuff since I can't lift anything and Joseph has limited lifting due to his bad back. Perhaps we could start throwing around dates where we could do it all at once? Just a thought.
Dad and I had the best laugh since surgery last night. I don't care how thoughtful, articulate, compatible or attentive people are-it is impossible to verbally instruct another person to put your pillow in the perfect spot. I ended up with dad practically smothering me! Mr Olson, in the bedroom, with the pillow. Anywho-it was rather ridiculous:)
Well, we're going to get some rest and lunch, then walk a block over to the ginormous REI. Should be fun:)
Warm hugs,
Jen
Friday, December 11, 2009 12:38 PM, MST
Welcome to Friday:)
I didn't get much sleep last night-I think I was trying to participate in a triathlon or something in my dreams. I kept waking up all crazy with something wrapped around another thing stuck to something else backwards.
Apparently Dad and I had another that-would-have-been-funny-if-we-saw-that-in-a-movie moment in the middle of the night. He'd been up for quite a while and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally he decided to listen to his iPod. When he put on the earphones, he thought he heard something, so he took one earbud out, listened, didn't hear anything, replaced earbud, thought he heard something...and so on.
I am on the other end of the suite laying in bed without my usual table for leverage close by, my PJs twisted, and my shoulder up towards my ear. Having my shoulder this way would have never happened when I was awake, but as it did while sleeping, it managed to trigger a pretty spectacular muscle spasm in my left pectoral (ie OUCH). So-I hear dad moving about some and call for him. No response. I wait a moment and call again. Nada. I guess what had happened was I kept calling just as he was putting his earbud back in, then I was listening for him while he was listening for me. Silly kids. At any rate, i managed to use my Kung Foo skills to get up, and got the muscle relaxers but couldn't open the bottle. I went into dad's bunk area just as he was sitting up to greet me, and I kicked him in the shin (gently, of course) and asked him to open the bottle for me. Once we figured out what was happening it was almost funny.
I got 2 lovely care packages yesterday. One from Naomi, Dad's girlfriend, and one from some of my knitter friends. It's always nice to be reminded that people are thinking of you and sending their care (be it tangible or not!). I was rather surprised the the local yarn store contributed a beautiful skein of sock yarn for me! I should get my boobs off more often! Wait...
I put on a "regular" tank top today, and I look freakishly normal in it. My "boobs" are a bit lumpy, but I don't look malformed or anything. That's nice to see. By summer the reconstruction should be complete, so I'll look even more "normal"-or at least busty-when the time comes to bare more skin.
Still doing lots more for myself every day. Feeling well with a bump here and there. Happy with my decision and my body and happy for my new start.
Thanks everyone for keeping me updated, staying in touch, and being so wonderful and encouraging and kind. Sorry for those with ailing relatives or bodies that aren't feeling so good-that's a tough place to be. I wish you peace on the journey
One last day in Seattle, the off to Bellingham! Yay for Joseph coming!!!!
Much love and hugs,
Jen
Sunday, December 13, 2009 5:59 PM, MST
Hello!
Well, I'd written half a novel before the computer decided to go black and rendered my previous works no more. Needless to say, the entry you will be privy too may be less poetic than its predecessor, but informative none the less.
Here's the overview:
Joseph came into Seattle yesterday morning bearing waffles. Dad and Joseph packed the room up and got the cars situated. I answered questions from the bed and tried not to be nervous as my inner child whined "They're touching my stuff!" At any rate- everything I need is where I am...I think.
Joseph immediately started with the jokes and I figure if laughter is the best medicine-I should be out of bed tomorrow:) Dad gave the full visual demonstrations on the care and feeding of Jen, and, with the exception of one wince when the drain openings were unveiled, Joseph seemed confident and unphased.
The three of us got onto the road around 3:45P, and were in Bellingham after a (thankfully!) uneventful trip North. We arrived at Joseph's parents house where I managed to tease the poor dog with my unfamiliar scent as she was held at a distance for the duration of my time there. She's a really sweet dog-just big, strong, and ready to play! Usually my thing-but not so much in my "condition." Joseph's parents were warm and inviting, and before we knew it, the Dad's were chatting it up in their own aged mathematical world:) So cute. Anywho-I started getting uncomfortable in the body, so we got pop settled in there, then headed out to Joseph's brother's house. (Joseph's oldest bro lives with the rents, so we'd met him briefly when we first arrived, then he retired to his space, and Joseph's blood bro, JP, is who we're staying with). So Dad walked Joseph and I to the car where we said our goodbyes. Joseph promised he'd take good care of me, and we waved goodbye to pop on the porch steps looking chilly. Pop called this morning well down the road and is sounding good. He says he feels good about leaving me with Joseph and fam (which I'm taking as a good thing:)
Joseph and I roll into JP and Sheila's place, and JP came down to greet us. I loved him right away. Guilt by association, ya know? It's like meeting Abra after you love me. It's just a given:) So we were welcomed in and I got the best spot on the couch with pillows and blankets and everything. I was instantly comfortable-in body and in spirit. I was offered food and drink and anything else I could want. We watched UFC (google it if you need to) and muttered witty rudities at the television. Perfect. Shiela told me about a tough surgery she had several years ago, and seemed incredibly compassionate about what I'm going through on all levels. I sat up and enjoyed everyone's company until Joseph's massages started putting me to sleep, the he suggested we come to the room and deal with my drains and meds. Joseph decided to crash on the couch because he was worried he'd accidentally hurt me in his sleep, which was:(, but thoughtful of him. Joseph did a great job on emptying the drains, and was incredibly gentle and precise. He didn't puke when the gigantic goober (an endearing term dad and I came up with for the clot strings that travel down the tubes to the drains)was expelled, or make any disgusted faces. I got all cozy in the bed and Joseph tucked me in and said good night.
Around 6 I woke up and took some pain meds and went to the bathroom. Just after I got back into bed Joseph peeked in to check on me and ended up sleeping next to me for a couple more hours. It was very nice.
Then this morning, Joseph had a full press of freshly brewed coffee and a cup on a tray for me. The sliding glass door leads right out to the lapping Pacific and the fog was perfectly thick-just like I like it. Joseph's bro cooked up steak and eggs-better than any breakfast out I've ever had!
I guess the big finale was my shower today. Joseph really pulled out the big guns on this one. I just never knew there was anyone in the world who would love me so much. Someone willing to clean me when I'm yucky stinky bloody gooey, dry me off, and dress my wounds and still look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. There just aren't words...
Sorry I didn't' warn you about the need for a puke bucket for this post-I see it's gotten a bit sappy. ANYWAY- I am SO happy and feeling better and better and completely taken care of. I'll leave it at that for now.
I cherish you all so very much-thanks for sharing in my pain and my happiness...
Jen
Monday, December 14, 2009 11:41 AM, MST
Hi all.
I should be able to keep today's update short as yesterday's was so jam packed.
I slept reasonably well, and Joseph was right there the few times I woke up to offer a hand. Last night I had some muscle stuff to manage, though today seems like it's mostly skin and nerve stuff being finicky. My pain level is very low, though. The muscle spasms during the night were probably because of the ridiculous laughing fit Joseph caused before bed! (Check out the bulging eyeball pic in the photos). What a goofball.
Anywho- I'm all set with my coffee, and Joseph and I are thinking of going out for a bit today. First he's cooking up some breakfast with his bro. I think I'll try to crochet some today. I'm still not knitting or crocheting with the speed or agility I'd like to-but I'm patient with me:)
Love to all and thanks again for keeping tabs on me and signing the guestbook. It's great to hear from you!
Jen
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 12:24 PM, MST
HI.
At some point I hope to fill you in on my adventures from yesterday...but I'm too exhausted to at the moment.
For now I'll just let you know I'm ok.
With modern medicine you'd think I could sign some form where I agree to forgo having a period this month-with all the other goings on in my body. But no. I still get to enjoy cramps on top of everything else and feel like I'm one giant soiled medical dressing. Yay.
Love to all...
Jen
Thursday, December 17, 2009 2:10 PM, MST
Good day!
All is going well here. Yesterday was a chill day and I got a chance to chat with a few folks that really got my spirits up. It seems like tough nights lead to challenging days-go figure. At any rate-I wasn't able to wallow given the support and encouragement coming at me. Thank you!
Today I woke feeling much better. Not only did I get to sleep better, but there's a yarn store outing in the works! I'm looking cute and feeling ready to gently face the world. Joseph was watching me be frustrated last night, and spent some time thinking about how he could help. Most of us have been in a situation where we wanted to "fix" something for someone else, but felt powerless. Usually my solution is to ask what I can do, and to be available. That's kind of where my imagination ends. OK-SAPPY WARNING*SAPPY WARNING*SAPPY WARNING!!!
Joseph, on the other hand-being a social work guy, surveys the scene and thinks "help by increasing the individual's ability to impact their environment." YES! So this morning Joseph brought down some tv trays and an ironing board and separated my clothes for me-making it so I can easily see what I have, pick an outfit or a hat or new socks or grab a maxi pad, and manage my business on my own. It's kind of like the old Teach A Man To Fish thing. It's always nice when someone is willing to fish for you and cook for you every night-but how empowering to know you can get your own damn fish, too. Awesome.
So the room is all nice and organized and we're both feeling pretty good about it. I get to meet one of Joseph's best friends today and I'm pretty excited. I've heard so much about her-I think we'll become fast friends.
Before I go, a couple of shout outs:
Naomi-Thank you for the cookbook! I do love it, and it will distinguish the cooking section of a self in the new kitchen.
Gma-I'm glad we have so much to chat about. I love being close with you.
Abra-What can I say-you're just the best, best, best girl. The Sunshine is an understatement. Don't forget your pirate ship, monkey!!!
Barbara-Thanks for your thoughts and I hope the girls are doing well. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. Please send my well wishes!
Kristi-I still need to write you back, but I love you!
Carol-Thanks for holding down the fort! I appreciate the updates and the encouragement!!!
Karen-Yay! Hi!
Mel and Mel- I just don't know how I'd stand up sometimes without you. I'm a lucky bastard.
Dad-thanks for, oh, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Aunt Holly-Hope you're holding up. I'm wishing you strength.
T1-I'm sending you strength as well. Hang in there.
Orna-more love to you. I still mean to respond soon. I'm impressed by your resolve, and I know your feet are in the ground.
There's more, but I'll call it for now.
Take care everyone-of yourselves and each other.
Jen
Friday, December 18, 2009 8:44 PM, MST
Hello!
I just returned to Bellingham after going in to Seattle for a post op appt with the "plastics boys." I call them that because it seems like there's a whole gang of them who go about doing the surgeon's bidding. They're all rather young-I assume recent graduates with their first paying gig. At any rate-they're very personable and I feel confident with their skills. Although today one of them was rather "pokey." I dropped the f bomb twice from being poked unexpectedly and with a bit more force than I thought was needed. Anyway...
Joseph and I really tag teamed the morning in a pretty impressive manner and were able to get out onto the road as planned. We rolled into Seattle with a little time to spare, and found parking fairly easily.
I was nervous because I knew we might do the first expansion and I didn't know what to expect with that. Also I still have steri strips covering the incisions across each boob and I thought they might be ripping those puppies off. I had hoped earlier in the week that my last two drains would be removed at this visit, but as the appointment came closer and my drainage amounts weren't decreasing as I'd hoped, I had accepted the fact that I wouldn't be getting them out and would need to come back next week.
Joseph came into the doctor's office with me, and on the way back I chatted up the gal leading us to the appropriate room. I mentioned my disappointment that my drains weren't going to come out today but, after throwing some numbers around, she encouraged me to discuss it during the appointment as I still could possibly get them out. This was very good news indeed!
Let me tell you a bit about drains...
Every time I moved, I had to make sure I wasn't moving my arms in a way that would catch the tubes and make sure I wasn't getting caught up on anything and be careful not to sit on them and worry about where they were when I was sleeping and cover them in the shower and change the bandages around them twice a day and "strip" and empty and measure the bulbs twice a day and wear clothing that had pockets to accommodate them and not drop the bulbs, and figure out ways to dress over or under them and attach them to a shoelace for showering...
Kind of a pain. Lots of a pain, really.
SO...I'm getting long winded here. At any rate they DID take out the drains!!!!!! I got my first 50cc expansion, and they left those steri strips to come off on their own.
The rains were painless coming out as were the last ones. The expansion was W.E.I.R.D. The ports are towards the top of the expanders, so they poke around manually and find them-mark them with some odd magnetic marking tool. They pop a good length needle in there and inject the saline. I can both see and feel my chest blowing up. Crazy. So I guess I'm an A and a half right now:) The whole process didn't hurt-just felt weird and made me nervous as I didn't know what to expect. Joseph must have noticed my feet going all crazy because he came to the table and put his hand on my leg when they tapped the ports. I was glad to have his face to look at. We've joked before about how he's a soothing emollient for me:)
I got to check out the implant options and talk about what to expect for the expansion process and how my boobs will look once the implants were in rather than the expanders. It sounds pretty good! For a few months (they expect aprox 3 months) I'll have these odd looking, high flying chest bumps, but once the implants are in, they get lower and move more like natural breasts.
The BEST part (besides not getting breast cancer!) is that legally insurance companies have to pay for 3 bras and a specialized fitting every year. "Wha?" you say, "Free bras?!?!?!" Yes! The expensive high quality ones, too. None of this kmart business. Nordstrom's, baby. So once all is healed and in good shape, I'll be road trippin to Spokane. If anyone wants to go-I say we start planning some quality girl time!
Yesterday we went into town to visit the LYS (local yarn store), and it was fab. There was a younger guy with dreads working the register and making up a scarf for his bro. Joseph picked out some beautiful Misti Alpaca Hand painted he wanted a scarf out of. We also found something I can whip up for J.P. A girl and her mom came into the shop as the shopkeeper was winding my shiz, and had some questions on their projects. I listened to the situation, then asked if I may contribute some thoughts. The ladies and I ended up in the upstairs room at some tables with me showing the girl (13 years old like Abra:) and her mom some new techniques and helping them get back on track. It was really fun. Joseph went to get coffee for us, and gave us time to focus on the projects. The shopkeeper ended up giving me a teacher discount, and I plan on coming in for Knit Night which is on Tuesdays from 5:30-8pm. I think Sheila will come with me as she wanted to get back into knitting and wants to be taught how to make a hat.
Just before Joseph and I left the LYS, he turned and saw a book called Men's Knits and gasped as he rushed to it and started flipping through. He found several scarves and sweaters that he really liked and seemed excited to point them out to me. I know enough couples to know not to take this knitting appreciation for granted! I remember hearing that it's bad luck for a relationship to knit a guy a sweater before he's "made an honest woman out of you," but I'm rethinking my thoughts on that. First of all-I'm not all that into superstitions. Second-if Joseph can bathe me, dress my wounds, do my laundry, open my doors, buckle my seatbelt, and basically cater to me in a gazillion other ways-I figure the least I can do is knit the guy a friggen sweater.
Hope this update finds everyone doing well,
Jen
Saturday, December 19, 2009 9:49 AM, MST
O.U.C.H.
Having the expanders filled at this point (two weeks out from surgery) has set my arm strength back quite a bit. Over all I'm less tired and am still SO very happy to have those drains out, but the tightness around my trunk is pretty intense.
A working brain and a limited body is, as I'd suspected, a challenging thing to navigate.
Luckily Joseph is really understanding and isn't the kind of person that doesn't get why on earth I'd be more incapable today than I was yesterday. He's out at a pool tournament today-we're hoping he gets in as he's on the wait list. If he gets to play, he will bring home some bacon. No one here can match his skillz on the table:) That's my man!
In the mean time, I'll be laying real low today and the meds will be flowin' in a big way. Each expansion should get better (as the rest of my body heals and all I'm dealing with is the muscle itself) up until the end where they're getting close to my regular size. I hear the second surgery is quite a relief because the hard expanders get switched for softer more malleable fillings.
Talk to you all soon,
Jen
Monday, December 21, 2009 8:45 AM, MST
Good morning:)
After a very busy yesterday, I've woken feeling surprisingly refreshed. I'm definitely feeling some discomfort esp on the left side where things are usually a bit more uncomfortable, but I don't feel exhausted as I have before. I guess that's improvement! We'll take it!
Yesterday Joseph and I went into town and had some breakfast downtown. One of Joseph's artist mentors just happened by and joined us for coffee. Later we went to his studio and I got to see the place where many of Joseph's stories originated from. This artist's work blew my mind. He himself was a wonderful man, and I felt quite honored to have had the experience there.
We drove down the coast a bit to a little town called Fairhaven where, of course, I sniffed out a yarn shop. We walked around and looked at the town a bit then ended with the yarn store. It turns out the owner was the first sales rep for Mountain Colors and used to live in Montana. Small world. At any rate, my first impression of the yarn store was good, but as I started touching all the beautiful colors, I noticed most of the stock was very course and itchy. I don't think I'd ever make anything with stuff like that. I don't think I could knit it without damaging my hands-even if I did plan for the end use to be outerwear. Once I started chatting with the owner, I realized she was rather scratchy herself-abrasive. It was quite interesting. Luckily I tend to disarm those types easily, so I did enjoy the visit, and was able to get some sale stuff that is to my liking. At any rate, it was fascinating to see this woman reflected in her stock.
Joseph and I went to his parent's place after our excursion, and I had a chance to spend more time with them and meet Joseph's oldest brother and his family. I really enjoyed the kids. Dinner was very tasty, and I ate like a bottomless pit. I don't know if I'm so hungry because I'm healing, or if I'm just overeating, but either way it's better than a steady diet of oatmeal.
Today should be pretty mellow. I'd like to keep working on some of my knitting projects and get some consistency back into my stamina.
I think we'll shoot for leaving here next Sunday, though it may not be until Monday. I'll keep you updated on that. I'm hoping to get some stuff into the new place before I work a week from Wednesday. Time is such a funny thing...
I miss everyone so much,
Jen
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 5:52 PM, MST
Hello!
Today was a beautiful sunny day here in Bellingham, and Joseph and I went out to enjoy it. We went for lunch at the Beaver (yup) and walked around downtown again. I'm packing up knitting for Knit Night at the LYS and I'm excited to meet some new knitters!
I'm feeling better and better all the time. I noticed I'd forgotten here and there that I wasn't 100%-which is a nice change. I have a lot of energy and I even woke up without pain for the first time since surgery. Awesome.
I'm posting some silly pics. I tried on the post op tank top with the boobies in it. I feel better without the falsies:)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 12:34 PM, MST
Ok, people. What would a Jen excursion be without some drama and excitement? Nothing, I say...NOTHING. SO here it is:
Out to knitting-weird at first, then fun, then told my life story (I know, so unlike me to divulge!) to a captive audience...
Dinner with Joseph-cold outside, but yummy food and fantastic company:)
The drive home-here's where it gets good! We are winding out of downtown and getting closer to the freeway. Just beyond my blathering, we hear this screeching (which we'd been hoping would go away) erupt into a pretty spectacularly loud pop-zing-whamoo noise. Apparently the car became difficult to steer at this point. Since this last bit transpired at a light in the left hand lane to get onto the freeway, we started to go when the light turned green and managed to get pulled to the side of the on-ramp. Now-some lady had been flashing her lights at us and as we started to turn onto the on-ramp, she upgraded to honking-as-warning. When we got pulled over, she pulled up behind us, telling Joseph that there were sparks flying from under the hood. At this point, I'm sitting helpless in the passenger seat, watching as Wonder Woman herself (not even joking, though she donned her smarter activewear rather than her traditional 'dress blues' as it were) popped the hood with Joseph to reveal a flaming, sparking hood. The heat guard that is attached (well, was attached) to the underbelly of the hood had become overheated and was now burning. I assumed the protective qualities of the guard had been compromised at this point. Joseph and W.W. pulled the guard off of the hood and, as is only reasonable with things that were just on fire, promptly placed it in the trunk. Joseph closed up the hood, W.W. got into her car, we all managed to dodge the crazy drivers approaching the on-ramp at 55mph, and we drove off.
The car was quietly rolling for a minute before I decided to inquire. I said I wasn't comfortable riding in the car and I wondered what the plan was. We got to the next exit and pulled into the AmPm market. The power steering was shot. There was smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood, and Joseph got out to survey the damage. I decided to go talk to the people inside and make sure it was ok to leave the car overnight. Joseph looked as though he was ready to take a bat to the car, so I decided to give him some space:)
After the smoke had settled, and Joseph's bro was on his way to us, Joseph and I chatted about all the possible scenarios we felt lucky to have avoided. A little game of "at least." "At least this didn't' happen when..." etc.
We found out this morning that we kind of had the best case scenario. AAA towed the car into a family friend's shop who was ready for us. They quickly assessed the situation, and told us what had happened was the alt belt had flung off and melted some switches, then lacerated a radiator hose. Joseph's parents now know what we need for xmas, and all is well. The car will be ready in 2 hours.
This is why I love getting older, folks. Something like this happens-the car catches on fire just before xmas in the dark on an out of town freeway on-ramp-and I can look beyond the smokey wreckage and the panic and the frustration and the complete physical helplessness and know everything is going to be just fine. So I might as well laugh now.
Talk to you soon,
Jen
Thursday, December 24, 2009 7:18 PM, MST
Joseph and I went into town for a bit today and found a gas mask for Gabe (it's a perfect gift, believe it or not), and a couple of other fun trinkets. Our breakfast was awesome even though there was a long wait for a table. I got some homemade Maple Fudge (not available in Missoula!). It was a nice walk and a good outing where I was rather excited that nothing exciting happened. I'm feeling very capable and was able to put on a regular t shirt all by myself for the first time! This opens up a whole bunch of wardrobe options to me when I come home:)
Apparently midnight mass is a big family deal for the Grady's, so I said I'd go for the experience. I find Catholicism more interesting than anything else. It's so foreign to me. We don't have to stay if I get tired or uncomfortable, so I figured I go watch their routines.
I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday, be you a religious type or a fellow heathen. May humanity unite us.
Happy Christmas
Peace and Love,
Jen
Saturday, December 26, 2009 9:57 AM, MST
Good Morning
I hope Xmas was fun for everyone involved. We had a nice time at Joseph's parent's house, and I found out it was the first time all of the boys have been there for Xmas in at least a decade. The food was great and I even had a stocking:)
Today we're going to see Avitar (even though I feel like I've seen it about 500 times with all the hype, but I digress) and we'll take Gabe. Gabe's cuz comes in this afternoon at some point, so we decided to take an extra day and let the boys get some more time in together. At any rate, we'll be leaving Monday.
I'll check back in if anything super fantastic happens...
feeling better and better, even though I'm really sick of not being able to sleep on my sides:(
Sheila and I came up with a very insightful comment the other day: Sometimes big sacrifices are a small price to pay.
Sunday, December 27, 2009 12:22 AM, MST
Howdy,
Well, I never made it to the movie today. Joseph and I went on a pretty long walk along the ocean and as soon as I got in the car I was completely spent. Joseph said he'd be happy to take me back to the house to rest several times-I could tell he was a bit worried at my sudden change in energy level. At any rate, I did come back to the house and took a nice nap. I rested all evening and now feel better. Meanwhile Joseph is sawing logs next to me. He's a cutie.
I've posted some new pics, so check them out if you'd like. It's encouraging for me to look at the sideshow and see my improvement over time. I'm both excited and afraid of going back to my routine. I REALLY am looking forward to being home and close to my friends!
Much love,
Jen
Monday, December 28, 2009 7:44 AM, MST
Well folks-as happy as I am to be coming home-I'm a bit nervous about a few things.
The last two days started with high energy, but I crashed in the afternoons-making it necessary to go back to the house ASAP for a nap. The naps seem to be followed by a period of physical weakness. I didn't take any pain meds yesterday, and, after waking up several times pretty uncomfortable, I took a big dose of Advil and I got back to sleep eventually.
I'm worried about working with such unpredictable needs. I'm worried about sleeping in a smaller bed with a different "Pillow Throne." I'm worried about so many miles in a car. At any rate, I'm still going to be happy to be with the cat and my friends and the new house!
Joseph is showering then going to load the car. We'll go grab Gabe and say goodbye to the folks and be on our way! Wish me strength and a sound mind as we travel, please. This is a long drive home...
Much love,
Jen
Monday, December 28, 2009 9:27 PM, MST
Hello everyone.
We made it.
We're tired.
We're grumpy.
I'll check in tomorrow.
Jen
P.S. It is nice to be back, though.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 4:42 PM, MST
HI.
I'm pleased to report that I am feeling MUCH better today. I got good sleep. Poor Joseph slept on an inflatable for fear of an accidental elbow throw or some such thing. As I said I got good sleep.
The drive yesterday was actually pretty manageable due to the auto version of my pillow throne. I read somewhere I should pack around little pillows for post op comfort and boy was that a great suggestion! I was explaining to Dad that if my arms just wanted to hang down, I could accommodate them more easily, but as they are, they want me to coddle them and have them in this position, then twist and elevate and flip, then rotate...It's all about the pillows.
I requested coverage for Wed night (yay knitting!) since I thought going strait back into full time might do me in. If the doctor's office doesn't fax in a note, I might be forced to take more time off. We'll see. My arms and chest are rather cranky today, so that doesn't bother me so much at the moment.
So ladies: you know how when you lay on your back and your boobs fall down into your armpits? Well when my skin got all stitched down, they tucked a bunch of it down under my armpits. I feel like one of those super buff dudes that can't put their arms down all the way cause they are so beefy. It's funny and irritating. After a day like today, I feel a lot of superficial irritation (weird numb spots, sensitive skin, pokey and burny sensations, etc) in addition to the muscular discomfort. It's just enough to be annoying.
SO-enough complaining. I've got way cooler things to tell you about. Today we got the keys to our new house. O.M.G. It is so perfect for us. This is the coolest home I've had!
Joseph and I spent the late morning and afternoon measuring and sketching and planning. It was so cute when we went to meet the landlady. Joseph lives close to the house we're renting, so we just walked over and it was so icy that Joseph wanted to hold my hand and make sure I didn't fall. So we held onto each other all tight and it felt like we were going into a new adventure together. And we are:) I can't wait to get settled so we can plan a housewarming party!
I've got a great little sewing nook and he a great weird cement painting area. Dad is (and again I owe him a gazillion more scarves and other whatevers!!!) getting us a bed that can fit Joseph's height and the width of two bodies. Gabe is stoked on his room-he thinks he'll be able to sneak out easily, though the look he got from his Pop combined with the "Try it" affirmation may have dissuaded him. Joseph and I took turns listening in our room while the other listened to the floorboards leading to possible escape routes. I love being a grown up:)
Dexter is doing well and seems to be quite comfortable. I am really looking forward to getting at my clothing. One can only do so much with the outfits on hand. I'm also super excited to meet up with friends that I haven't seen if FOREVER. I'm not able to drive yet, so I'm on foot or accepting rides:) My car won't start at the moment anyway. I tried to put the car in gear and turn the wheel, but I underestimated the power of the lack of power steering and an automatic transmission. Joseph said I can switch cars until I'm strong enough to drive mine again. Now that's love. I've known many men who wouldn't be caught dead in the Geo Tracker:)
Tonight I'm meeting up with "The Mels" for a brief "Yeah-we're in the same state again!" check in. Wed night I'm hoping to go to knitting with the crew. It's a block away so I can come home when I get tired. Tomorrow Dad and Naomi are coming into town to help get the new place set up.
It's so odd how much I've enjoyed myself lately. The discomfort and medical crap totally sucked (and some of it will continue to do so), but I feel like something in me has fundamentally shifted and I'm ready to embark on this new phase of my life. A life of love and humor and history. A life without breast cancer.
Awesome.
Hello all. A week from today I'll be going in for the surgery at 10am. I have to be there extra early for the mapping (injections of radioactive dye around my aureole to help them locate my sentinel lymph nodes). Dad and I leave Monday morning. I'll post when we get to the big city! ((Hugs everyone))
Monday, November 30, 2009 10:09 PM, MST
Hello from Seattle!!!
We made it here without incident, and I must say it was the prettiest drive through Eastern Washington I've experienced to date. The sky was rather spectacular. Dad and I shared some good laughs and Dad was quite tolerant of my music choices.
The SCCA House is insanely well stocked for anything we could possibly need. The room is really nice, though the view from my bedside window has this oddly shaped saucer thingy on a stick smack dab in the center of the skyline...I guess it's famous or something...anyway...
When we checked in, there was a package waiting for me at the front desk from a Miss Abra and Juliette-some beautiful original artwork which I promptly displayed in the room, and some yarn! (Cascade 220 Heathers in a LOVELY purple for those of you in the know).
Dad has a little twin bed on the other side of the bathroom from me, and I feel like I'm a princess in the lap of luxury and he's back in the army. But I guess that's a perk of getting the boob bombs removed.
Hanukkah Bunny has been the mascot for this trip and we've been taking pics of it in random places. It is quite ridiculous. And awesome.
Well-I'm tired and have a long one tomorrow. Things are starting to feel very real now, though I've been oddly calm most of the day.
Thanks for all your comments and caring. I feel everyone carrying this weight with me and appreciate the support.
I'll write again tomorrow!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 8:38 AM, MST
Buenos Dias,
Just getting ready to shuttle out to the various appointments today. I've got knitting and xanax, so all should be manageable. Oh-and I've got Pop, of course:) I'm lucky like that!
Anywho, I guess I can't have any flowers or plants in the building, and I thought I'd let you all know in case anyone was thinking of that old tradition of flowers sent to the hospital. I think pajamagrams are okay, though...just saying...
I'll write again sometime before surgery. In the mean time-take a deep cleansing breath for me should I cross your mind.
Much love.
P.S. I gave dad the tutorial on how to log in and post on this site so he can keep it updated when I'm under, high on pain meds, grumpy, etc...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 5:39 PM, MST
It has been quite the day and i am Exhausted with a capitol "E!" (I guess that's more for talking since you can see the cap when I write, but I digress).
I am feeling better about things than I did this morning after meeting with all the docs and nurses today. These people have their shiz together!
Anyway-Pop just brought in pizza and I think this will be the last entry before dad gives updates tomorrow. I go in at 7, surgery starts at 11 and lasts about 6 hours or so.
The surgeon will be sneaking Hanukkah Bunny in for an OR photo op:) That bunny has been quite the star!
Love to all. Thank you for your thoughts.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009 7:13 AM, MST
I'm going in! And I'm feeling pretty goofy! (Which is probably a coping mechanism, but it's better than some others I have seen!)
Ok, for reals...
I'm going in!!!!
Yahahooee.......
Thursday, December 3, 2009 12:11 AM, PST
Hello,
This is dad (or "Pop") here.
Jen is resting in her hospital room after a long day of surgery.
Everything went as planned. No surprises. The surgeon said that the sentinel nodes looked and felt normal as did all of the tissue they removed. Of course we have to wait for the pathology report to get the official results, but things look real positive. The reconstruction is off to a flying start with 350 cc of saline pumped into the 450 cc expanders they put in. That surgeon also said it went as expected.
They took a calm, joke telling Jen into surgery at 10:45 this morning and she got out at around 6 this afternoon. She was still telling jokes, but a little blurrier. She had been looking forward to telling someone after the surgery that she felt "drained" (she has 4 of them now). She tried it out on her Asian nurse - and she didn't get it. She explained that there are a lot of American jokes that she doesn't understand. Jen explained it to her, and she still didn't think it was funny. (I laughed.)
We took some pictures before surgery and a couple afterward. As soon as we get time (probably after she gets out of the hospital) I'll download them off of the camera and post some here.
Meanwhile, I'm in need of some sleep so I can be of some help to Jen tomorrow. I told her I would try to be there at about 7 tomorrow morning.
When I left her she was very peaceful, had a little bit of pain and was not scared at all.
Things are looking good.
Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers and support.
David
Thursday, December 3, 2009 11:24 PM, PST
Good evening, everyone,
Pop here again.
Just got back from the hospital. Jen decided that she wanted another day in the hospital before facing the car ride back to SCCA House. It wasn't the easiest day for Jen, but the nurse that was in charge of her care for most of the day said she was happy with the "great strides forward" she had made today. She said she didn't get a lot of sleep last night because they kept waking her up (sounds like a hospital, doesn't it?). Those nurses have to have something to do during their long nights.
Jen took a couple of walks around the floor today (of course it would be on the floor - she wasn't in the hospital to get wings installed. She may be a little lighter, but not that much lighter). She was able to eat food and go to the bathroom (the two requirements for her release from the hospital). It is very probable that she will be returning to SCCA House tomorrow. She did have a couple of instances of pain, but the nurses were able to help her get in front of the pain. She is much more comfortable with her back straight up and down rather than reclining. She spent several hours sleeping in the "guest" chair today while I slept in the hospital bed. When I left this evening, she was resting comfortably sitting in bed. She tried typing on the computer this afternoon, but the reaching made her hurt (after only about 3 characters), so she quit.
Her snail mail address here is: Jennifer Olson, 207 Pontuys Ave.N. Seattle, WA, 98109. We will probably be leaving this address on December 12th, so if your mail won't be here by that date, wait until she gets back to Missoula.
Guess that's all the news for now. Jen's color is back and she's looking good and feeling reasonable most of the time.
Thanks for being there for us.
David
Saturday, December 5, 2009 12:47 PM, MST
Howdy all-it's Jen here:)
Thanks to everyone who has signed the guestbook. It's so nice to hear from everyone.
I've enjoyed a full night of rest, and I'm experiencing more energy and less pain. Good stuff! I'm feeling optimistic again (which-not goin to lie) wasn't really how I'd describe the last couple of days.
I think I might be up watching a movie and trying to knit today:) I haven't been on the phone at all due to shortness of breath and the inability to get the phone to my ears. I'm working on those muscles, though, and I'm seeing improvement. If it weren't for yoga and my strong legs, I don't think I'd be doing near as well.
Dad has been taking great care of me, and has been very capable. It's hard to trust anyone with the stuff that needs to get done, but he's doing great.
I'm feeling more comfortable up and around-so we're taking "fart and cough walks"-which is just as the description sounds. Coughing is great to keep the lungs healthy, and the gas can get backed up when sitting. At any rate-it's been the source of a few jokes. It's nice to smile and get some humor back.
Gma sent some yarn today (Barefoot in Lupine) and a new little 9" circ to play with. Grams-you get an A++++++++++
Abra-thanks for your notes. They make me smile in an extra happy way:)
OK-back to wandering the halls. From the looks of it, I wouldn't be surprised if I got at least two of my drains out within the week. Every day is SO much better than the previous.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts sent this way.
Much love,
DBL (Deflated Boob Lady)
aka Jen
Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:53 AM, MST
Good early morning! My satin jammies got me into a bit of a predicament this morning, and I had to wake pop to help me out of my "slump" as it were.
I had really great moments yesterday which included a shower and several rows of knitting! Melissa-add that to the can do list!!!
I'm seriously ready to start wandering the town in search of some pancakes... I really want some friggin pancakes!!!
I think Dad is going to take the shuttle to the store at 9 and get some frozen stuff.
I'm glad the appetite is good, and I can do more and more on my own.
Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to my pop for dealing with some of the more icky and demanding aspects of my care. He's a total rockstar, and I need to figure out how to get him back somehow.
Thanks again for all the love.
Feeling good!
Jen
Monday, December 7, 2009 11:45 AM, MST
Well, I think I may be in over my head here-but that's a reasonable place to me:) We are going to attempt an outing. Turns out there is one shirt alone that is perfection for this aftercare business, and we're going to try to find one (or two) more of them.
When we leave the room for a walk, dad tries to tuck my tubes out of sight convinced that I will scare small children-just as I am convinced that I don't care. At any rate leaving the actual vicinity should be interesting.
I will report back-either with a debilitating tale of a treacherous car ride ending us where we began never once leaving the car. Or I'll take a pic of me giving Santa my most photogenic of fingers:)
Off we go then...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:32 PM, MST
Yay good day!!!! I did successfully wander the mall yesterday with Pop. I stayed in the chair with wheels since a) I like things that have wheels on them and b)I thought I'd last longer if I conserved energy. It also worked as a barrier method. In this instance, meaning people stayed a comfortable distance from me, rather than in the more commonly used birth control context. Anyway-how did I get so off track?!?!
K-so we made it home (and not without some flannel sheep pjs:) and I was WORN OUT!!! Spent. Couldn't talk or move or anything for the rest of the night. I did however manage to sleep comfortably laying flat on the mattress, and was able to get up on my own when I woke up. These are pretty awesome things!!!
Today I've felt well, and I even went to knit at the SCCA with other volunteers, employees, and patients/family being served by the SCCA. One gal that was there was xtra awesome, and she was working with this variegated cashmere wool DK yarn that was Gorgeous! Anywhoo-we hit it off and I've friended her on Rav (if you don't understand what I just said, that is ok. Keep reading)
I feel so lucky to be as healthy as I am, with minimal pain today. I feel wonderful about the friends and family that give me the strength I so need. So thank you all!
I think dad took some pics of knitting to put up, and since I just taught him an easier way to put them onto the computer, I expect they'll be up soon.
XOXOXOXOXO!!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:44 PM, MST
A few other things...
Aunt Holly- I got frozen pancakes...we'll be working on that...
Melissa-You are a first class goof ball
Abra-I have not entirely ruled out knitting with my toes, but it does appear I can put it off for now:)
Gma-I promise this is harder for you than it is for me at this point. Though last Thursday, it was way harder on me:)
K, Love you all,
Jen
Wednesday, December 9, 2009 5:28 PM, MST
Well-today was for sleeping:) Lots and lots of sleeping. Didn't get great sleep last night and with my first follow up doctor appointment in the morning, I thought I'd rest...a lot.
Dad totally scored the popcorn trifecta in the tin!!!!!!!!! It took a lot of fearless driving and exploration skills, but he managed a score! Good thing I don't do illicit drugs:)
OK-I'm going to shower (always an ordeal-but the warm water certainly sweetens the pot!), then get back to bed. Top Chef marathon-here we come!
Hugs to all, and I'll tell you how the doc apt goes in the morning.
Oh!!! One little tid bit I forgot-we heard from pathology and there's no sign of any cancer anywhere. Wasn't really worried about it, but it's still great to hear:) Looks like my first punch is a K. O.! I'm sorry for those who didn't have the opportunity to get that first swing in...
More hugs,
Jen
Thursday, December 10, 2009 2:18 PM, MST
Hello wonderful people!
So...last night I got a bit of a fever (very low grade) and started being nervous about having to go into the hospital. I kept my movement down to a minimum, drank an entire 64 oz bottle of cranberry juice and almost another 64 oz of water, and checked in with the doc on call. There was some heat and redness around the breast mounds, but not close to the stitches. At any rate, all went well and I was able to stay at the House and rest until my appt today. Which was great!
I had two drains removed and it was a piece of cake! Didn't feel a thing. Even had my favorite nurse do the removal. Awesome. I expect the last two drains will be removed within the next week. It will make showering and apparel choices much easier:)
The doc said all was looking quite good, and we are carrying on! I'll see her again in 6mo. Probably about the time I come to town for the switcharooni (from expanders to implants).
So there is all the jargon. It looks like Joseph has found us a great little house and it will be ready for us to move into as soon as we return to Missoula:) Dexter will have a place to go and we can get a doggie when we can get a fence up. I'll be bugging those within Missoula to help us move our stuff since I can't lift anything and Joseph has limited lifting due to his bad back. Perhaps we could start throwing around dates where we could do it all at once? Just a thought.
Dad and I had the best laugh since surgery last night. I don't care how thoughtful, articulate, compatible or attentive people are-it is impossible to verbally instruct another person to put your pillow in the perfect spot. I ended up with dad practically smothering me! Mr Olson, in the bedroom, with the pillow. Anywho-it was rather ridiculous:)
Well, we're going to get some rest and lunch, then walk a block over to the ginormous REI. Should be fun:)
Warm hugs,
Jen
Friday, December 11, 2009 12:38 PM, MST
Welcome to Friday:)
I didn't get much sleep last night-I think I was trying to participate in a triathlon or something in my dreams. I kept waking up all crazy with something wrapped around another thing stuck to something else backwards.
Apparently Dad and I had another that-would-have-been-funny-if-we-saw-that-in-a-movie moment in the middle of the night. He'd been up for quite a while and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally he decided to listen to his iPod. When he put on the earphones, he thought he heard something, so he took one earbud out, listened, didn't hear anything, replaced earbud, thought he heard something...and so on.
I am on the other end of the suite laying in bed without my usual table for leverage close by, my PJs twisted, and my shoulder up towards my ear. Having my shoulder this way would have never happened when I was awake, but as it did while sleeping, it managed to trigger a pretty spectacular muscle spasm in my left pectoral (ie OUCH). So-I hear dad moving about some and call for him. No response. I wait a moment and call again. Nada. I guess what had happened was I kept calling just as he was putting his earbud back in, then I was listening for him while he was listening for me. Silly kids. At any rate, i managed to use my Kung Foo skills to get up, and got the muscle relaxers but couldn't open the bottle. I went into dad's bunk area just as he was sitting up to greet me, and I kicked him in the shin (gently, of course) and asked him to open the bottle for me. Once we figured out what was happening it was almost funny.
I got 2 lovely care packages yesterday. One from Naomi, Dad's girlfriend, and one from some of my knitter friends. It's always nice to be reminded that people are thinking of you and sending their care (be it tangible or not!). I was rather surprised the the local yarn store contributed a beautiful skein of sock yarn for me! I should get my boobs off more often! Wait...
I put on a "regular" tank top today, and I look freakishly normal in it. My "boobs" are a bit lumpy, but I don't look malformed or anything. That's nice to see. By summer the reconstruction should be complete, so I'll look even more "normal"-or at least busty-when the time comes to bare more skin.
Still doing lots more for myself every day. Feeling well with a bump here and there. Happy with my decision and my body and happy for my new start.
Thanks everyone for keeping me updated, staying in touch, and being so wonderful and encouraging and kind. Sorry for those with ailing relatives or bodies that aren't feeling so good-that's a tough place to be. I wish you peace on the journey
One last day in Seattle, the off to Bellingham! Yay for Joseph coming!!!!
Much love and hugs,
Jen
Sunday, December 13, 2009 5:59 PM, MST
Hello!
Well, I'd written half a novel before the computer decided to go black and rendered my previous works no more. Needless to say, the entry you will be privy too may be less poetic than its predecessor, but informative none the less.
Here's the overview:
Joseph came into Seattle yesterday morning bearing waffles. Dad and Joseph packed the room up and got the cars situated. I answered questions from the bed and tried not to be nervous as my inner child whined "They're touching my stuff!" At any rate- everything I need is where I am...I think.
Joseph immediately started with the jokes and I figure if laughter is the best medicine-I should be out of bed tomorrow:) Dad gave the full visual demonstrations on the care and feeding of Jen, and, with the exception of one wince when the drain openings were unveiled, Joseph seemed confident and unphased.
The three of us got onto the road around 3:45P, and were in Bellingham after a (thankfully!) uneventful trip North. We arrived at Joseph's parents house where I managed to tease the poor dog with my unfamiliar scent as she was held at a distance for the duration of my time there. She's a really sweet dog-just big, strong, and ready to play! Usually my thing-but not so much in my "condition." Joseph's parents were warm and inviting, and before we knew it, the Dad's were chatting it up in their own aged mathematical world:) So cute. Anywho-I started getting uncomfortable in the body, so we got pop settled in there, then headed out to Joseph's brother's house. (Joseph's oldest bro lives with the rents, so we'd met him briefly when we first arrived, then he retired to his space, and Joseph's blood bro, JP, is who we're staying with). So Dad walked Joseph and I to the car where we said our goodbyes. Joseph promised he'd take good care of me, and we waved goodbye to pop on the porch steps looking chilly. Pop called this morning well down the road and is sounding good. He says he feels good about leaving me with Joseph and fam (which I'm taking as a good thing:)
Joseph and I roll into JP and Sheila's place, and JP came down to greet us. I loved him right away. Guilt by association, ya know? It's like meeting Abra after you love me. It's just a given:) So we were welcomed in and I got the best spot on the couch with pillows and blankets and everything. I was instantly comfortable-in body and in spirit. I was offered food and drink and anything else I could want. We watched UFC (google it if you need to) and muttered witty rudities at the television. Perfect. Shiela told me about a tough surgery she had several years ago, and seemed incredibly compassionate about what I'm going through on all levels. I sat up and enjoyed everyone's company until Joseph's massages started putting me to sleep, the he suggested we come to the room and deal with my drains and meds. Joseph decided to crash on the couch because he was worried he'd accidentally hurt me in his sleep, which was:(, but thoughtful of him. Joseph did a great job on emptying the drains, and was incredibly gentle and precise. He didn't puke when the gigantic goober (an endearing term dad and I came up with for the clot strings that travel down the tubes to the drains)was expelled, or make any disgusted faces. I got all cozy in the bed and Joseph tucked me in and said good night.
Around 6 I woke up and took some pain meds and went to the bathroom. Just after I got back into bed Joseph peeked in to check on me and ended up sleeping next to me for a couple more hours. It was very nice.
Then this morning, Joseph had a full press of freshly brewed coffee and a cup on a tray for me. The sliding glass door leads right out to the lapping Pacific and the fog was perfectly thick-just like I like it. Joseph's bro cooked up steak and eggs-better than any breakfast out I've ever had!
I guess the big finale was my shower today. Joseph really pulled out the big guns on this one. I just never knew there was anyone in the world who would love me so much. Someone willing to clean me when I'm yucky stinky bloody gooey, dry me off, and dress my wounds and still look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. There just aren't words...
Sorry I didn't' warn you about the need for a puke bucket for this post-I see it's gotten a bit sappy. ANYWAY- I am SO happy and feeling better and better and completely taken care of. I'll leave it at that for now.
I cherish you all so very much-thanks for sharing in my pain and my happiness...
Jen
Monday, December 14, 2009 11:41 AM, MST
Hi all.
I should be able to keep today's update short as yesterday's was so jam packed.
I slept reasonably well, and Joseph was right there the few times I woke up to offer a hand. Last night I had some muscle stuff to manage, though today seems like it's mostly skin and nerve stuff being finicky. My pain level is very low, though. The muscle spasms during the night were probably because of the ridiculous laughing fit Joseph caused before bed! (Check out the bulging eyeball pic in the photos). What a goofball.
Anywho- I'm all set with my coffee, and Joseph and I are thinking of going out for a bit today. First he's cooking up some breakfast with his bro. I think I'll try to crochet some today. I'm still not knitting or crocheting with the speed or agility I'd like to-but I'm patient with me:)
Love to all and thanks again for keeping tabs on me and signing the guestbook. It's great to hear from you!
Jen
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 12:24 PM, MST
HI.
At some point I hope to fill you in on my adventures from yesterday...but I'm too exhausted to at the moment.
For now I'll just let you know I'm ok.
With modern medicine you'd think I could sign some form where I agree to forgo having a period this month-with all the other goings on in my body. But no. I still get to enjoy cramps on top of everything else and feel like I'm one giant soiled medical dressing. Yay.
Love to all...
Jen
Thursday, December 17, 2009 2:10 PM, MST
Good day!
All is going well here. Yesterday was a chill day and I got a chance to chat with a few folks that really got my spirits up. It seems like tough nights lead to challenging days-go figure. At any rate-I wasn't able to wallow given the support and encouragement coming at me. Thank you!
Today I woke feeling much better. Not only did I get to sleep better, but there's a yarn store outing in the works! I'm looking cute and feeling ready to gently face the world. Joseph was watching me be frustrated last night, and spent some time thinking about how he could help. Most of us have been in a situation where we wanted to "fix" something for someone else, but felt powerless. Usually my solution is to ask what I can do, and to be available. That's kind of where my imagination ends. OK-SAPPY WARNING*SAPPY WARNING*SAPPY WARNING!!!
Joseph, on the other hand-being a social work guy, surveys the scene and thinks "help by increasing the individual's ability to impact their environment." YES! So this morning Joseph brought down some tv trays and an ironing board and separated my clothes for me-making it so I can easily see what I have, pick an outfit or a hat or new socks or grab a maxi pad, and manage my business on my own. It's kind of like the old Teach A Man To Fish thing. It's always nice when someone is willing to fish for you and cook for you every night-but how empowering to know you can get your own damn fish, too. Awesome.
So the room is all nice and organized and we're both feeling pretty good about it. I get to meet one of Joseph's best friends today and I'm pretty excited. I've heard so much about her-I think we'll become fast friends.
Before I go, a couple of shout outs:
Naomi-Thank you for the cookbook! I do love it, and it will distinguish the cooking section of a self in the new kitchen.
Gma-I'm glad we have so much to chat about. I love being close with you.
Abra-What can I say-you're just the best, best, best girl. The Sunshine is an understatement. Don't forget your pirate ship, monkey!!!
Barbara-Thanks for your thoughts and I hope the girls are doing well. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. Please send my well wishes!
Kristi-I still need to write you back, but I love you!
Carol-Thanks for holding down the fort! I appreciate the updates and the encouragement!!!
Karen-Yay! Hi!
Mel and Mel- I just don't know how I'd stand up sometimes without you. I'm a lucky bastard.
Dad-thanks for, oh, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Aunt Holly-Hope you're holding up. I'm wishing you strength.
T1-I'm sending you strength as well. Hang in there.
Orna-more love to you. I still mean to respond soon. I'm impressed by your resolve, and I know your feet are in the ground.
There's more, but I'll call it for now.
Take care everyone-of yourselves and each other.
Jen
Friday, December 18, 2009 8:44 PM, MST
Hello!
I just returned to Bellingham after going in to Seattle for a post op appt with the "plastics boys." I call them that because it seems like there's a whole gang of them who go about doing the surgeon's bidding. They're all rather young-I assume recent graduates with their first paying gig. At any rate-they're very personable and I feel confident with their skills. Although today one of them was rather "pokey." I dropped the f bomb twice from being poked unexpectedly and with a bit more force than I thought was needed. Anyway...
Joseph and I really tag teamed the morning in a pretty impressive manner and were able to get out onto the road as planned. We rolled into Seattle with a little time to spare, and found parking fairly easily.
I was nervous because I knew we might do the first expansion and I didn't know what to expect with that. Also I still have steri strips covering the incisions across each boob and I thought they might be ripping those puppies off. I had hoped earlier in the week that my last two drains would be removed at this visit, but as the appointment came closer and my drainage amounts weren't decreasing as I'd hoped, I had accepted the fact that I wouldn't be getting them out and would need to come back next week.
Joseph came into the doctor's office with me, and on the way back I chatted up the gal leading us to the appropriate room. I mentioned my disappointment that my drains weren't going to come out today but, after throwing some numbers around, she encouraged me to discuss it during the appointment as I still could possibly get them out. This was very good news indeed!
Let me tell you a bit about drains...
Every time I moved, I had to make sure I wasn't moving my arms in a way that would catch the tubes and make sure I wasn't getting caught up on anything and be careful not to sit on them and worry about where they were when I was sleeping and cover them in the shower and change the bandages around them twice a day and "strip" and empty and measure the bulbs twice a day and wear clothing that had pockets to accommodate them and not drop the bulbs, and figure out ways to dress over or under them and attach them to a shoelace for showering...
Kind of a pain. Lots of a pain, really.
SO...I'm getting long winded here. At any rate they DID take out the drains!!!!!! I got my first 50cc expansion, and they left those steri strips to come off on their own.
The rains were painless coming out as were the last ones. The expansion was W.E.I.R.D. The ports are towards the top of the expanders, so they poke around manually and find them-mark them with some odd magnetic marking tool. They pop a good length needle in there and inject the saline. I can both see and feel my chest blowing up. Crazy. So I guess I'm an A and a half right now:) The whole process didn't hurt-just felt weird and made me nervous as I didn't know what to expect. Joseph must have noticed my feet going all crazy because he came to the table and put his hand on my leg when they tapped the ports. I was glad to have his face to look at. We've joked before about how he's a soothing emollient for me:)
I got to check out the implant options and talk about what to expect for the expansion process and how my boobs will look once the implants were in rather than the expanders. It sounds pretty good! For a few months (they expect aprox 3 months) I'll have these odd looking, high flying chest bumps, but once the implants are in, they get lower and move more like natural breasts.
The BEST part (besides not getting breast cancer!) is that legally insurance companies have to pay for 3 bras and a specialized fitting every year. "Wha?" you say, "Free bras?!?!?!" Yes! The expensive high quality ones, too. None of this kmart business. Nordstrom's, baby. So once all is healed and in good shape, I'll be road trippin to Spokane. If anyone wants to go-I say we start planning some quality girl time!
Yesterday we went into town to visit the LYS (local yarn store), and it was fab. There was a younger guy with dreads working the register and making up a scarf for his bro. Joseph picked out some beautiful Misti Alpaca Hand painted he wanted a scarf out of. We also found something I can whip up for J.P. A girl and her mom came into the shop as the shopkeeper was winding my shiz, and had some questions on their projects. I listened to the situation, then asked if I may contribute some thoughts. The ladies and I ended up in the upstairs room at some tables with me showing the girl (13 years old like Abra:) and her mom some new techniques and helping them get back on track. It was really fun. Joseph went to get coffee for us, and gave us time to focus on the projects. The shopkeeper ended up giving me a teacher discount, and I plan on coming in for Knit Night which is on Tuesdays from 5:30-8pm. I think Sheila will come with me as she wanted to get back into knitting and wants to be taught how to make a hat.
Just before Joseph and I left the LYS, he turned and saw a book called Men's Knits and gasped as he rushed to it and started flipping through. He found several scarves and sweaters that he really liked and seemed excited to point them out to me. I know enough couples to know not to take this knitting appreciation for granted! I remember hearing that it's bad luck for a relationship to knit a guy a sweater before he's "made an honest woman out of you," but I'm rethinking my thoughts on that. First of all-I'm not all that into superstitions. Second-if Joseph can bathe me, dress my wounds, do my laundry, open my doors, buckle my seatbelt, and basically cater to me in a gazillion other ways-I figure the least I can do is knit the guy a friggen sweater.
Hope this update finds everyone doing well,
Jen
Saturday, December 19, 2009 9:49 AM, MST
O.U.C.H.
Having the expanders filled at this point (two weeks out from surgery) has set my arm strength back quite a bit. Over all I'm less tired and am still SO very happy to have those drains out, but the tightness around my trunk is pretty intense.
A working brain and a limited body is, as I'd suspected, a challenging thing to navigate.
Luckily Joseph is really understanding and isn't the kind of person that doesn't get why on earth I'd be more incapable today than I was yesterday. He's out at a pool tournament today-we're hoping he gets in as he's on the wait list. If he gets to play, he will bring home some bacon. No one here can match his skillz on the table:) That's my man!
In the mean time, I'll be laying real low today and the meds will be flowin' in a big way. Each expansion should get better (as the rest of my body heals and all I'm dealing with is the muscle itself) up until the end where they're getting close to my regular size. I hear the second surgery is quite a relief because the hard expanders get switched for softer more malleable fillings.
Talk to you all soon,
Jen
Monday, December 21, 2009 8:45 AM, MST
Good morning:)
After a very busy yesterday, I've woken feeling surprisingly refreshed. I'm definitely feeling some discomfort esp on the left side where things are usually a bit more uncomfortable, but I don't feel exhausted as I have before. I guess that's improvement! We'll take it!
Yesterday Joseph and I went into town and had some breakfast downtown. One of Joseph's artist mentors just happened by and joined us for coffee. Later we went to his studio and I got to see the place where many of Joseph's stories originated from. This artist's work blew my mind. He himself was a wonderful man, and I felt quite honored to have had the experience there.
We drove down the coast a bit to a little town called Fairhaven where, of course, I sniffed out a yarn shop. We walked around and looked at the town a bit then ended with the yarn store. It turns out the owner was the first sales rep for Mountain Colors and used to live in Montana. Small world. At any rate, my first impression of the yarn store was good, but as I started touching all the beautiful colors, I noticed most of the stock was very course and itchy. I don't think I'd ever make anything with stuff like that. I don't think I could knit it without damaging my hands-even if I did plan for the end use to be outerwear. Once I started chatting with the owner, I realized she was rather scratchy herself-abrasive. It was quite interesting. Luckily I tend to disarm those types easily, so I did enjoy the visit, and was able to get some sale stuff that is to my liking. At any rate, it was fascinating to see this woman reflected in her stock.
Joseph and I went to his parent's place after our excursion, and I had a chance to spend more time with them and meet Joseph's oldest brother and his family. I really enjoyed the kids. Dinner was very tasty, and I ate like a bottomless pit. I don't know if I'm so hungry because I'm healing, or if I'm just overeating, but either way it's better than a steady diet of oatmeal.
Today should be pretty mellow. I'd like to keep working on some of my knitting projects and get some consistency back into my stamina.
I think we'll shoot for leaving here next Sunday, though it may not be until Monday. I'll keep you updated on that. I'm hoping to get some stuff into the new place before I work a week from Wednesday. Time is such a funny thing...
I miss everyone so much,
Jen
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 5:52 PM, MST
Hello!
Today was a beautiful sunny day here in Bellingham, and Joseph and I went out to enjoy it. We went for lunch at the Beaver (yup) and walked around downtown again. I'm packing up knitting for Knit Night at the LYS and I'm excited to meet some new knitters!
I'm feeling better and better all the time. I noticed I'd forgotten here and there that I wasn't 100%-which is a nice change. I have a lot of energy and I even woke up without pain for the first time since surgery. Awesome.
I'm posting some silly pics. I tried on the post op tank top with the boobies in it. I feel better without the falsies:)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 12:34 PM, MST
Ok, people. What would a Jen excursion be without some drama and excitement? Nothing, I say...NOTHING. SO here it is:
Out to knitting-weird at first, then fun, then told my life story (I know, so unlike me to divulge!) to a captive audience...
Dinner with Joseph-cold outside, but yummy food and fantastic company:)
The drive home-here's where it gets good! We are winding out of downtown and getting closer to the freeway. Just beyond my blathering, we hear this screeching (which we'd been hoping would go away) erupt into a pretty spectacularly loud pop-zing-whamoo noise. Apparently the car became difficult to steer at this point. Since this last bit transpired at a light in the left hand lane to get onto the freeway, we started to go when the light turned green and managed to get pulled to the side of the on-ramp. Now-some lady had been flashing her lights at us and as we started to turn onto the on-ramp, she upgraded to honking-as-warning. When we got pulled over, she pulled up behind us, telling Joseph that there were sparks flying from under the hood. At this point, I'm sitting helpless in the passenger seat, watching as Wonder Woman herself (not even joking, though she donned her smarter activewear rather than her traditional 'dress blues' as it were) popped the hood with Joseph to reveal a flaming, sparking hood. The heat guard that is attached (well, was attached) to the underbelly of the hood had become overheated and was now burning. I assumed the protective qualities of the guard had been compromised at this point. Joseph and W.W. pulled the guard off of the hood and, as is only reasonable with things that were just on fire, promptly placed it in the trunk. Joseph closed up the hood, W.W. got into her car, we all managed to dodge the crazy drivers approaching the on-ramp at 55mph, and we drove off.
The car was quietly rolling for a minute before I decided to inquire. I said I wasn't comfortable riding in the car and I wondered what the plan was. We got to the next exit and pulled into the AmPm market. The power steering was shot. There was smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood, and Joseph got out to survey the damage. I decided to go talk to the people inside and make sure it was ok to leave the car overnight. Joseph looked as though he was ready to take a bat to the car, so I decided to give him some space:)
After the smoke had settled, and Joseph's bro was on his way to us, Joseph and I chatted about all the possible scenarios we felt lucky to have avoided. A little game of "at least." "At least this didn't' happen when..." etc.
We found out this morning that we kind of had the best case scenario. AAA towed the car into a family friend's shop who was ready for us. They quickly assessed the situation, and told us what had happened was the alt belt had flung off and melted some switches, then lacerated a radiator hose. Joseph's parents now know what we need for xmas, and all is well. The car will be ready in 2 hours.
This is why I love getting older, folks. Something like this happens-the car catches on fire just before xmas in the dark on an out of town freeway on-ramp-and I can look beyond the smokey wreckage and the panic and the frustration and the complete physical helplessness and know everything is going to be just fine. So I might as well laugh now.
Talk to you soon,
Jen
Thursday, December 24, 2009 7:18 PM, MST
Joseph and I went into town for a bit today and found a gas mask for Gabe (it's a perfect gift, believe it or not), and a couple of other fun trinkets. Our breakfast was awesome even though there was a long wait for a table. I got some homemade Maple Fudge (not available in Missoula!). It was a nice walk and a good outing where I was rather excited that nothing exciting happened. I'm feeling very capable and was able to put on a regular t shirt all by myself for the first time! This opens up a whole bunch of wardrobe options to me when I come home:)
Apparently midnight mass is a big family deal for the Grady's, so I said I'd go for the experience. I find Catholicism more interesting than anything else. It's so foreign to me. We don't have to stay if I get tired or uncomfortable, so I figured I go watch their routines.
I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday, be you a religious type or a fellow heathen. May humanity unite us.
Happy Christmas
Peace and Love,
Jen
Saturday, December 26, 2009 9:57 AM, MST
Good Morning
I hope Xmas was fun for everyone involved. We had a nice time at Joseph's parent's house, and I found out it was the first time all of the boys have been there for Xmas in at least a decade. The food was great and I even had a stocking:)
Today we're going to see Avitar (even though I feel like I've seen it about 500 times with all the hype, but I digress) and we'll take Gabe. Gabe's cuz comes in this afternoon at some point, so we decided to take an extra day and let the boys get some more time in together. At any rate, we'll be leaving Monday.
I'll check back in if anything super fantastic happens...
feeling better and better, even though I'm really sick of not being able to sleep on my sides:(
Sheila and I came up with a very insightful comment the other day: Sometimes big sacrifices are a small price to pay.
Sunday, December 27, 2009 12:22 AM, MST
Howdy,
Well, I never made it to the movie today. Joseph and I went on a pretty long walk along the ocean and as soon as I got in the car I was completely spent. Joseph said he'd be happy to take me back to the house to rest several times-I could tell he was a bit worried at my sudden change in energy level. At any rate, I did come back to the house and took a nice nap. I rested all evening and now feel better. Meanwhile Joseph is sawing logs next to me. He's a cutie.
I've posted some new pics, so check them out if you'd like. It's encouraging for me to look at the sideshow and see my improvement over time. I'm both excited and afraid of going back to my routine. I REALLY am looking forward to being home and close to my friends!
Much love,
Jen
Monday, December 28, 2009 7:44 AM, MST
Well folks-as happy as I am to be coming home-I'm a bit nervous about a few things.
The last two days started with high energy, but I crashed in the afternoons-making it necessary to go back to the house ASAP for a nap. The naps seem to be followed by a period of physical weakness. I didn't take any pain meds yesterday, and, after waking up several times pretty uncomfortable, I took a big dose of Advil and I got back to sleep eventually.
I'm worried about working with such unpredictable needs. I'm worried about sleeping in a smaller bed with a different "Pillow Throne." I'm worried about so many miles in a car. At any rate, I'm still going to be happy to be with the cat and my friends and the new house!
Joseph is showering then going to load the car. We'll go grab Gabe and say goodbye to the folks and be on our way! Wish me strength and a sound mind as we travel, please. This is a long drive home...
Much love,
Jen
Monday, December 28, 2009 9:27 PM, MST
Hello everyone.
We made it.
We're tired.
We're grumpy.
I'll check in tomorrow.
Jen
P.S. It is nice to be back, though.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 4:42 PM, MST
HI.
I'm pleased to report that I am feeling MUCH better today. I got good sleep. Poor Joseph slept on an inflatable for fear of an accidental elbow throw or some such thing. As I said I got good sleep.
The drive yesterday was actually pretty manageable due to the auto version of my pillow throne. I read somewhere I should pack around little pillows for post op comfort and boy was that a great suggestion! I was explaining to Dad that if my arms just wanted to hang down, I could accommodate them more easily, but as they are, they want me to coddle them and have them in this position, then twist and elevate and flip, then rotate...It's all about the pillows.
I requested coverage for Wed night (yay knitting!) since I thought going strait back into full time might do me in. If the doctor's office doesn't fax in a note, I might be forced to take more time off. We'll see. My arms and chest are rather cranky today, so that doesn't bother me so much at the moment.
So ladies: you know how when you lay on your back and your boobs fall down into your armpits? Well when my skin got all stitched down, they tucked a bunch of it down under my armpits. I feel like one of those super buff dudes that can't put their arms down all the way cause they are so beefy. It's funny and irritating. After a day like today, I feel a lot of superficial irritation (weird numb spots, sensitive skin, pokey and burny sensations, etc) in addition to the muscular discomfort. It's just enough to be annoying.
SO-enough complaining. I've got way cooler things to tell you about. Today we got the keys to our new house. O.M.G. It is so perfect for us. This is the coolest home I've had!
Joseph and I spent the late morning and afternoon measuring and sketching and planning. It was so cute when we went to meet the landlady. Joseph lives close to the house we're renting, so we just walked over and it was so icy that Joseph wanted to hold my hand and make sure I didn't fall. So we held onto each other all tight and it felt like we were going into a new adventure together. And we are:) I can't wait to get settled so we can plan a housewarming party!
I've got a great little sewing nook and he a great weird cement painting area. Dad is (and again I owe him a gazillion more scarves and other whatevers!!!) getting us a bed that can fit Joseph's height and the width of two bodies. Gabe is stoked on his room-he thinks he'll be able to sneak out easily, though the look he got from his Pop combined with the "Try it" affirmation may have dissuaded him. Joseph and I took turns listening in our room while the other listened to the floorboards leading to possible escape routes. I love being a grown up:)
Dexter is doing well and seems to be quite comfortable. I am really looking forward to getting at my clothing. One can only do so much with the outfits on hand. I'm also super excited to meet up with friends that I haven't seen if FOREVER. I'm not able to drive yet, so I'm on foot or accepting rides:) My car won't start at the moment anyway. I tried to put the car in gear and turn the wheel, but I underestimated the power of the lack of power steering and an automatic transmission. Joseph said I can switch cars until I'm strong enough to drive mine again. Now that's love. I've known many men who wouldn't be caught dead in the Geo Tracker:)
Tonight I'm meeting up with "The Mels" for a brief "Yeah-we're in the same state again!" check in. Wed night I'm hoping to go to knitting with the crew. It's a block away so I can come home when I get tired. Tomorrow Dad and Naomi are coming into town to help get the new place set up.
It's so odd how much I've enjoyed myself lately. The discomfort and medical crap totally sucked (and some of it will continue to do so), but I feel like something in me has fundamentally shifted and I'm ready to embark on this new phase of my life. A life of love and humor and history. A life without breast cancer.
Awesome.
What a long strange road it's been...
Well-I've gotten through surgery and have four weeks of recovery under my belt. It was much more painful than I'd anticipated, but I'm really glad I did it. The actual breast removal didn't seem to be where the pain originated from, but rather the expanders that were placed under the pectorals and pumped up with 350ccs of saline before I even woke up. I think the pain would have been much more tolerable those first few days if those expanders were done differently. Also, I think if the hospital staff were a bit more on their game, I could have had my pain managed better.
I abandoned this blog for the CaringBridge web page-something I felt comfortable with everyone seeing and staying updated with. This blog is a bit more raw and gritty. I'm hoping to transfer the posts from there to here so that all is documented more thoroughly. I guess the overview is that I was surprised at the discomfort, but stoked on the choice, the results, and the range of motion. I've never had a major surgery like this before, so I realize now that there were things associated with that which I didn't know about. So much for all that research! But honestly, I did know the really important stuff and I was glad to easily follow the doctor's information as they relayed it.
I returned home the day before yesterday, and I'm looking forward to being able to drive myself around and see all of my friends again. The outpouring of support was mind blowing. Simply mind blowing. Dad really stepped it up, Joseph just flabbergasted me with his attentive and gentle wound care and showering, etc. Friends and relatives sent care packages and there was not a yarn shortage in sight! I've felt rather optimistic throughout this process, and each little new thing I can do physically is a happy little success-like going though an expedited childhood.
Joseph managed to secure housing for us before coming out to meet me, and we got the keys yesterday. Not having seen the inside before, it was very exciting to look around and plan what we were going to do with the place. We have some AWESOME ideas! This will be, by far, the most phenomenal housing I've ever had. Dad has floated us this month's rent and is coming to help move and is buying us a new bed. All wonderful things that make me feel both completely excited and somewhat guilty. But, ya know, I've never been a big fan of guilt, and there were times in my life where he really dropped the ball-so I'll graciously accept his help:)
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