There have been a few ups and downs this week. I expected this, though. I think I'm doing well in coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have my nipples. I'd like some great sex before I'm out of commission for a while, but I'm not sure that's in the cards. Things have been so crazy lately! I've decided to go ahead with the surgeon's recommendation to remove one sentinel node from each armpit. Apparently this will need to be located by injecting dye into my breast in some undisclosed location (would have been into the tumor if I had one, but since I don't, no one I've asked seems to know where it will go). I should check the FORCE website and see if anyone has discussed this. There is a very small risk of lymphodema with this, but it means I don't have to have another MRI before surgery or have additional cutting if pathology comes back showing cancer.
I've been looking at photos of other people who have documented their procedures, and I've found them to be super helpful. I just want to see what I'm going to be looking like, ya know? I don't want to freak out when I get the bandages off.
My friends at knitting have been really great, and we decided to have a party where we all make casts of our boobs and then paint them (the casts). I think it will be a great ceremonial goodbye as well as an act of solidarity as I go into this. One of my friends daughters (who I'm close to and have gone on bike rides with) is going to take some photos for me before I go. I think I might incorporate my new silk shawl into some of them. I made it just for something to go around me when I'm cold in bed and don't want to deal with dressing myself. Turns out this may be one of the most beautiful things I've made yet! I'll post a pic of it, plus the pre op pics when I get them done.
I have wanted to back out a time or two, but I wont. Everything is set in motion, and this makes sense. It's not like people who get cancer think "Oh good, now I'll get to have a surgery!" It's not like that is much of a choice at that point, so I expand on that to ease the feeling of dread that I have sometimes. No one wants to go through this. But I have what I need to do it now, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I should do it now. As scared as I am of going ahead with this, it is still less frightening and more empowering than any other scenario I can come up with. So there it is. On with the plan...
It looks like I'm going to try to move my belongings out of my apartment before leaving for the surgery, and that my boyfriend will be out to care for me sooner than later. I'm so glad he'll be there. It will be odd to meet his family and have my dad meet them while I'm all torn up, but what can ya do? Nothing about my life has been particularly ordinary thus far-so why change now?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Late night psychoanalysis
I'm working all night tonight. Just watched a documentary on doctors that followed med students through their schooling and into their established fields over the course of 21 years. There were lots of sick people and lots of surgery scenes. Not Hollywood surgery scenes, but real open people stuff. I think it was helpful for me to see the people talking to the doctors before surgery. I can imagine myself there and being calm as I wait to be put under. At this point, the going under and the waking with pain are what bother me most.
Tonight it is snowing-the first snow of the season. It's early. There's probably an inch or so now, but the way it's coming down, I won't be surprised if there's several more inches by the time I drive home. I can't help but find myself pondering all the what ifs in life. Everything seems to be a crap shoot. I don't seem to have control over anything. I wonder sometimes if that's why I've elected to have this surgery. This is something I can control. This is preventative. But it will only prevent one thing - granted it's the thing my mother and my grandmother died of-still it's only eliminating one possible route my eventual demise will take. I suppose that's enough. It must be since I'm making this decision.
I have the support of most of my friends. Some have questioned me-even grilled me-before giving it to me. My boyfriend is scared for me, but he assures me he's behind me all the way. I guess tonight I'm rather numb to it. It's all far to complicated of an action to break down and explain.
I'm likening this to getting tattoos. I go in, have something in mind, start on the permanent alteration of my body. I've never regretted a tattoo even though I've had many. I've changed some and morphed some, and I think I'll have that option if the new boobs aren't what I thought I'd get. Though I'll never be able to undo this. I won't have any feeling. But I won't have cancer there either. Maybe I'll get to live longer and be happier. Maybe. Life is a risk. It's all a big risk. I guess I've decided risking my body image and my sensation in my chest and nipples is worth the possibility that I don't get breast cancer. Does this have anything to do with my mom's recent passing? You bet. Perhaps this surgery could be some symbolic way of removing her from my life. I get it. Somehow that seems like a good enough reason to do it as well. I mean, I'll never be whole again anyway. What does that even mean-to be whole?
If you haven't already guessed, I'm struggling a bit with everything. The reality of things is sinking in, and I'm tired and emotionally drained. I'm scared. But that's never stopped this stubborn bitch before.
Tonight it is snowing-the first snow of the season. It's early. There's probably an inch or so now, but the way it's coming down, I won't be surprised if there's several more inches by the time I drive home. I can't help but find myself pondering all the what ifs in life. Everything seems to be a crap shoot. I don't seem to have control over anything. I wonder sometimes if that's why I've elected to have this surgery. This is something I can control. This is preventative. But it will only prevent one thing - granted it's the thing my mother and my grandmother died of-still it's only eliminating one possible route my eventual demise will take. I suppose that's enough. It must be since I'm making this decision.
I have the support of most of my friends. Some have questioned me-even grilled me-before giving it to me. My boyfriend is scared for me, but he assures me he's behind me all the way. I guess tonight I'm rather numb to it. It's all far to complicated of an action to break down and explain.
I'm likening this to getting tattoos. I go in, have something in mind, start on the permanent alteration of my body. I've never regretted a tattoo even though I've had many. I've changed some and morphed some, and I think I'll have that option if the new boobs aren't what I thought I'd get. Though I'll never be able to undo this. I won't have any feeling. But I won't have cancer there either. Maybe I'll get to live longer and be happier. Maybe. Life is a risk. It's all a big risk. I guess I've decided risking my body image and my sensation in my chest and nipples is worth the possibility that I don't get breast cancer. Does this have anything to do with my mom's recent passing? You bet. Perhaps this surgery could be some symbolic way of removing her from my life. I get it. Somehow that seems like a good enough reason to do it as well. I mean, I'll never be whole again anyway. What does that even mean-to be whole?
If you haven't already guessed, I'm struggling a bit with everything. The reality of things is sinking in, and I'm tired and emotionally drained. I'm scared. But that's never stopped this stubborn bitch before.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Scheduled
After several months of research, doctor visits and tests, and "soul" searching, I've scheduled a Prophylactic Double Skin Sparing Mastectomy with immediate partial reconstruction. They'll cut around my areola, remove my nipple and breast tissue along with a sentinal node from each armpit. My pectoral muscles will be cut and an expander placed under each muscle. The expanders will have a small amount of saline in them, and a patch of Aloderm will be used to stitch to each side of the pectoral muscle, closing the muscle back up over the expander. Over the following 3-4 months, saline will be added to the expanders via a port somewhere by my armpit. Once the expanders have successfully stretched out the muscle and filled out the skin left on my chest, I will have the expanders surgically removed and implants put in. I've read that this is a pretty easy second surgery.
I've decided to document this for others who may be facing a similar choice, experience, etc. I hope to do a thurough and honest job of explaining what is happening, and provide progress photos to "fill in" some of the gaps there are in the way of visuals available on the net.
Background:
I have the BRCA 1 genetic mutation and my mom passed away on March 23, 2009 at 55 after a five year fight with breast cancer. My maternal Grandmonther also died of Breast Cancer. My maternal Aunt and all tested females on my mom's side have the genetic mutation as well.
I'm 32. My Dad has Prostate cancer (very early stages, we think), and I live with my cat in an apartment, but plan on moving in with my boyfriend after surgery. I do have a daughter who lives out of the country and just turned 13. We are in regular contact.
After watching my mother struggle with this disease and finding out about my BRACA1 status, I started looking into my options. At first I thought I'd get a historectomy, but it soon became clear that the risks could easily outweigh the benifits due to my age. I was initially very uncomfortable with the idea of loosing my breasts, and had ruled it out as an option. As I continued to research reconstruction techniques, I became more comfortable with the idea of trading my dangerous boobies for some safer, replacement models. This will reduce my risk from 90% to <2% of getting breast cancer. I'll loose a lot of breast sensation, but I've become aware that my breasts provide me with more discomfort than pleasure, so the idea of not feeling them isn't so bad. I doubt I'll have any more children, so I'm not concerned with being able to breastfeed. My boyfriend promises willingly to give the new girls lots of attention. I expect they'll recieve a nice weclome-to-the-neighborhood party when the doctor gives me the go ahead.
I'll have a lot of things to ramble on about as the surgery draws near, but I thought this would be a good start for now. I have a recuperation plan, places to stay, friends who'll watch the cat, a bag of books I plan to take (I've been meaning to read those!), and a list of things a lady from the FORCE website suggested be brought to the hospital and to wherever one plans to recuperate. I have many things on the list already.
Deep breath...here we go!
I've decided to document this for others who may be facing a similar choice, experience, etc. I hope to do a thurough and honest job of explaining what is happening, and provide progress photos to "fill in" some of the gaps there are in the way of visuals available on the net.
Background:
I have the BRCA 1 genetic mutation and my mom passed away on March 23, 2009 at 55 after a five year fight with breast cancer. My maternal Grandmonther also died of Breast Cancer. My maternal Aunt and all tested females on my mom's side have the genetic mutation as well.
I'm 32. My Dad has Prostate cancer (very early stages, we think), and I live with my cat in an apartment, but plan on moving in with my boyfriend after surgery. I do have a daughter who lives out of the country and just turned 13. We are in regular contact.
After watching my mother struggle with this disease and finding out about my BRACA1 status, I started looking into my options. At first I thought I'd get a historectomy, but it soon became clear that the risks could easily outweigh the benifits due to my age. I was initially very uncomfortable with the idea of loosing my breasts, and had ruled it out as an option. As I continued to research reconstruction techniques, I became more comfortable with the idea of trading my dangerous boobies for some safer, replacement models. This will reduce my risk from 90% to <2% of getting breast cancer. I'll loose a lot of breast sensation, but I've become aware that my breasts provide me with more discomfort than pleasure, so the idea of not feeling them isn't so bad. I doubt I'll have any more children, so I'm not concerned with being able to breastfeed. My boyfriend promises willingly to give the new girls lots of attention. I expect they'll recieve a nice weclome-to-the-neighborhood party when the doctor gives me the go ahead.
I'll have a lot of things to ramble on about as the surgery draws near, but I thought this would be a good start for now. I have a recuperation plan, places to stay, friends who'll watch the cat, a bag of books I plan to take (I've been meaning to read those!), and a list of things a lady from the FORCE website suggested be brought to the hospital and to wherever one plans to recuperate. I have many things on the list already.
Deep breath...here we go!
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