Nips N Nodes

There have been a few ups and downs this week. I expected this, though. I think I'm doing well in coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have my nipples. I'd like some great sex before I'm out of commission for a while, but I'm not sure that's in the cards. Things have been so crazy lately! I've decided to go ahead with the surgeon's recommendation to remove one sentinel node from each armpit. Apparently this will need to be located by injecting dye into my breast in some undisclosed location (would have been into the tumor if I had one, but since I don't, no one I've asked seems to know where it will go). I should check the FORCE website and see if anyone has discussed this. There is a very small risk of lymphodema with this, but it means I don't have to have another MRI before surgery or have additional cutting if pathology comes back showing cancer.
I've been looking at photos of other people who have documented their procedures, and I've found them to be super helpful. I just want to see what I'm going to be looking like, ya know? I don't want to freak out when I get the bandages off.
My friends at knitting have been really great, and we decided to have a party where we all make casts of our boobs and then paint them (the casts). I think it will be a great ceremonial goodbye as well as an act of solidarity as I go into this. One of my friends daughters (who I'm close to and have gone on bike rides with) is going to take some photos for me before I go. I think I might incorporate my new silk shawl into some of them. I made it just for something to go around me when I'm cold in bed and don't want to deal with dressing myself. Turns out this may be one of the most beautiful things I've made yet! I'll post a pic of it, plus the pre op pics when I get them done.
I have wanted to back out a time or two, but I wont. Everything is set in motion, and this makes sense. It's not like people who get cancer think "Oh good, now I'll get to have a surgery!" It's not like that is much of a choice at that point, so I expand on that to ease the feeling of dread that I have sometimes. No one wants to go through this. But I have what I need to do it now, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I should do it now. As scared as I am of going ahead with this, it is still less frightening and more empowering than any other scenario I can come up with. So there it is. On with the plan...
It looks like I'm going to try to move my belongings out of my apartment before leaving for the surgery, and that my boyfriend will be out to care for me sooner than later. I'm so glad he'll be there. It will be odd to meet his family and have my dad meet them while I'm all torn up, but what can ya do? Nothing about my life has been particularly ordinary thus far-so why change now?