Play By Play from Caring Bridge

Wednesday, November 25, 2009 5:10 PM, MST
Hello all. A week from today I'll be going in for the surgery at 10am. I have to be there extra early for the mapping (injections of radioactive dye around my aureole to help them locate my sentinel lymph nodes). Dad and I leave Monday morning. I'll post when we get to the big city! ((Hugs everyone))




Monday, November 30, 2009 10:09 PM, MST
Hello from Seattle!!!
We made it here without incident, and I must say it was the prettiest drive through Eastern Washington I've experienced to date. The sky was rather spectacular. Dad and I shared some good laughs and Dad was quite tolerant of my music choices.

The SCCA House is insanely well stocked for anything we could possibly need. The room is really nice, though the view from my bedside window has this oddly shaped saucer thingy on a stick smack dab in the center of the skyline...I guess it's famous or something...anyway...

When we checked in, there was a package waiting for me at the front desk from a Miss Abra and Juliette-some beautiful original artwork which I promptly displayed in the room, and some yarn! (Cascade 220 Heathers in a LOVELY purple for those of you in the know).

Dad has a little twin bed on the other side of the bathroom from me, and I feel like I'm a princess in the lap of luxury and he's back in the army. But I guess that's a perk of getting the boob bombs removed.

Hanukkah Bunny has been the mascot for this trip and we've been taking pics of it in random places. It is quite ridiculous. And awesome.

Well-I'm tired and have a long one tomorrow. Things are starting to feel very real now, though I've been oddly calm most of the day.

Thanks for all your comments and caring. I feel everyone carrying this weight with me and appreciate the support.

I'll write again tomorrow!




Tuesday, December 1, 2009 8:38 AM, MST
Buenos Dias,
Just getting ready to shuttle out to the various appointments today. I've got knitting and xanax, so all should be manageable. Oh-and I've got Pop, of course:) I'm lucky like that!
Anywho, I guess I can't have any flowers or plants in the building, and I thought I'd let you all know in case anyone was thinking of that old tradition of flowers sent to the hospital. I think pajamagrams are okay, though...just saying...

I'll write again sometime before surgery. In the mean time-take a deep cleansing breath for me should I cross your mind.
Much love.

P.S. I gave dad the tutorial on how to log in and post on this site so he can keep it updated when I'm under, high on pain meds, grumpy, etc...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 5:39 PM, MST
It has been quite the day and i am Exhausted with a capitol "E!" (I guess that's more for talking since you can see the cap when I write, but I digress).

I am feeling better about things than I did this morning after meeting with all the docs and nurses today. These people have their shiz together!

Anyway-Pop just brought in pizza and I think this will be the last entry before dad gives updates tomorrow. I go in at 7, surgery starts at 11 and lasts about 6 hours or so.

The surgeon will be sneaking Hanukkah Bunny in for an OR photo op:) That bunny has been quite the star!

Love to all. Thank you for your thoughts.



Wednesday, December 2, 2009 7:13 AM, MST
I'm going in! And I'm feeling pretty goofy! (Which is probably a coping mechanism, but it's better than some others I have seen!)

Ok, for reals...
I'm going in!!!!
Yahahooee.......



Thursday, December 3, 2009 12:11 AM, PST
Hello,
This is dad (or "Pop") here.
Jen is resting in her hospital room after a long day of surgery.
Everything went as planned. No surprises. The surgeon said that the sentinel nodes looked and felt normal as did all of the tissue they removed. Of course we have to wait for the pathology report to get the official results, but things look real positive. The reconstruction is off to a flying start with 350 cc of saline pumped into the 450 cc expanders they put in. That surgeon also said it went as expected.
They took a calm, joke telling Jen into surgery at 10:45 this morning and she got out at around 6 this afternoon. She was still telling jokes, but a little blurrier. She had been looking forward to telling someone after the surgery that she felt "drained" (she has 4 of them now). She tried it out on her Asian nurse - and she didn't get it. She explained that there are a lot of American jokes that she doesn't understand. Jen explained it to her, and she still didn't think it was funny. (I laughed.)
We took some pictures before surgery and a couple afterward. As soon as we get time (probably after she gets out of the hospital) I'll download them off of the camera and post some here.
Meanwhile, I'm in need of some sleep so I can be of some help to Jen tomorrow. I told her I would try to be there at about 7 tomorrow morning.
When I left her she was very peaceful, had a little bit of pain and was not scared at all.
Things are looking good.
Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers and support.
David



Thursday, December 3, 2009 11:24 PM, PST
Good evening, everyone,

Pop here again.
Just got back from the hospital. Jen decided that she wanted another day in the hospital before facing the car ride back to SCCA House. It wasn't the easiest day for Jen, but the nurse that was in charge of her care for most of the day said she was happy with the "great strides forward" she had made today. She said she didn't get a lot of sleep last night because they kept waking her up (sounds like a hospital, doesn't it?). Those nurses have to have something to do during their long nights.
Jen took a couple of walks around the floor today (of course it would be on the floor - she wasn't in the hospital to get wings installed. She may be a little lighter, but not that much lighter). She was able to eat food and go to the bathroom (the two requirements for her release from the hospital). It is very probable that she will be returning to SCCA House tomorrow. She did have a couple of instances of pain, but the nurses were able to help her get in front of the pain. She is much more comfortable with her back straight up and down rather than reclining. She spent several hours sleeping in the "guest" chair today while I slept in the hospital bed. When I left this evening, she was resting comfortably sitting in bed. She tried typing on the computer this afternoon, but the reaching made her hurt (after only about 3 characters), so she quit.
Her snail mail address here is: Jennifer Olson, 207 Pontuys Ave.N. Seattle, WA, 98109. We will probably be leaving this address on December 12th, so if your mail won't be here by that date, wait until she gets back to Missoula.

Guess that's all the news for now. Jen's color is back and she's looking good and feeling reasonable most of the time.

Thanks for being there for us.
David




Saturday, December 5, 2009 12:47 PM, MST
Howdy all-it's Jen here:)
Thanks to everyone who has signed the guestbook. It's so nice to hear from everyone.
I've enjoyed a full night of rest, and I'm experiencing more energy and less pain. Good stuff! I'm feeling optimistic again (which-not goin to lie) wasn't really how I'd describe the last couple of days.

I think I might be up watching a movie and trying to knit today:) I haven't been on the phone at all due to shortness of breath and the inability to get the phone to my ears. I'm working on those muscles, though, and I'm seeing improvement. If it weren't for yoga and my strong legs, I don't think I'd be doing near as well.

Dad has been taking great care of me, and has been very capable. It's hard to trust anyone with the stuff that needs to get done, but he's doing great.

I'm feeling more comfortable up and around-so we're taking "fart and cough walks"-which is just as the description sounds. Coughing is great to keep the lungs healthy, and the gas can get backed up when sitting. At any rate-it's been the source of a few jokes. It's nice to smile and get some humor back.

Gma sent some yarn today (Barefoot in Lupine) and a new little 9" circ to play with. Grams-you get an A++++++++++

Abra-thanks for your notes. They make me smile in an extra happy way:)

OK-back to wandering the halls. From the looks of it, I wouldn't be surprised if I got at least two of my drains out within the week. Every day is SO much better than the previous.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts sent this way.

Much love,
DBL (Deflated Boob Lady)
aka Jen




Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:53 AM, MST

Good early morning! My satin jammies got me into a bit of a predicament this morning, and I had to wake pop to help me out of my "slump" as it were.
I had really great moments yesterday which included a shower and several rows of knitting! Melissa-add that to the can do list!!!
I'm seriously ready to start wandering the town in search of some pancakes... I really want some friggin pancakes!!!
I think Dad is going to take the shuttle to the store at 9 and get some frozen stuff.
I'm glad the appetite is good, and I can do more and more on my own.

Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to my pop for dealing with some of the more icky and demanding aspects of my care. He's a total rockstar, and I need to figure out how to get him back somehow.

Thanks again for all the love.
Feeling good!
Jen




Monday, December 7, 2009 11:45 AM, MST
Well, I think I may be in over my head here-but that's a reasonable place to me:) We are going to attempt an outing. Turns out there is one shirt alone that is perfection for this aftercare business, and we're going to try to find one (or two) more of them.
When we leave the room for a walk, dad tries to tuck my tubes out of sight convinced that I will scare small children-just as I am convinced that I don't care. At any rate leaving the actual vicinity should be interesting.
I will report back-either with a debilitating tale of a treacherous car ride ending us where we began never once leaving the car. Or I'll take a pic of me giving Santa my most photogenic of fingers:)
Off we go then...



Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:32 PM, MST
Yay good day!!!! I did successfully wander the mall yesterday with Pop. I stayed in the chair with wheels since a) I like things that have wheels on them and b)I thought I'd last longer if I conserved energy. It also worked as a barrier method. In this instance, meaning people stayed a comfortable distance from me, rather than in the more commonly used birth control context. Anyway-how did I get so off track?!?!

K-so we made it home (and not without some flannel sheep pjs:) and I was WORN OUT!!! Spent. Couldn't talk or move or anything for the rest of the night. I did however manage to sleep comfortably laying flat on the mattress, and was able to get up on my own when I woke up. These are pretty awesome things!!!

Today I've felt well, and I even went to knit at the SCCA with other volunteers, employees, and patients/family being served by the SCCA. One gal that was there was xtra awesome, and she was working with this variegated cashmere wool DK yarn that was Gorgeous! Anywhoo-we hit it off and I've friended her on Rav (if you don't understand what I just said, that is ok. Keep reading)

I feel so lucky to be as healthy as I am, with minimal pain today. I feel wonderful about the friends and family that give me the strength I so need. So thank you all!

I think dad took some pics of knitting to put up, and since I just taught him an easier way to put them onto the computer, I expect they'll be up soon.

XOXOXOXOXO!!!



Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:44 PM, MST

A few other things...
Aunt Holly- I got frozen pancakes...we'll be working on that...
Melissa-You are a first class goof ball
Abra-I have not entirely ruled out knitting with my toes, but it does appear I can put it off for now:)
Gma-I promise this is harder for you than it is for me at this point. Though last Thursday, it was way harder on me:)

K, Love you all,
Jen




Wednesday, December 9, 2009 5:28 PM, MST
Well-today was for sleeping:) Lots and lots of sleeping. Didn't get great sleep last night and with my first follow up doctor appointment in the morning, I thought I'd rest...a lot.
Dad totally scored the popcorn trifecta in the tin!!!!!!!!! It took a lot of fearless driving and exploration skills, but he managed a score! Good thing I don't do illicit drugs:)
OK-I'm going to shower (always an ordeal-but the warm water certainly sweetens the pot!), then get back to bed. Top Chef marathon-here we come!
Hugs to all, and I'll tell you how the doc apt goes in the morning.

Oh!!! One little tid bit I forgot-we heard from pathology and there's no sign of any cancer anywhere. Wasn't really worried about it, but it's still great to hear:) Looks like my first punch is a K. O.! I'm sorry for those who didn't have the opportunity to get that first swing in...

More hugs,
Jen



Thursday, December 10, 2009 2:18 PM, MST
Hello wonderful people!

So...last night I got a bit of a fever (very low grade) and started being nervous about having to go into the hospital. I kept my movement down to a minimum, drank an entire 64 oz bottle of cranberry juice and almost another 64 oz of water, and checked in with the doc on call. There was some heat and redness around the breast mounds, but not close to the stitches. At any rate, all went well and I was able to stay at the House and rest until my appt today. Which was great!
I had two drains removed and it was a piece of cake! Didn't feel a thing. Even had my favorite nurse do the removal. Awesome. I expect the last two drains will be removed within the next week. It will make showering and apparel choices much easier:)
The doc said all was looking quite good, and we are carrying on! I'll see her again in 6mo. Probably about the time I come to town for the switcharooni (from expanders to implants).

So there is all the jargon. It looks like Joseph has found us a great little house and it will be ready for us to move into as soon as we return to Missoula:) Dexter will have a place to go and we can get a doggie when we can get a fence up. I'll be bugging those within Missoula to help us move our stuff since I can't lift anything and Joseph has limited lifting due to his bad back. Perhaps we could start throwing around dates where we could do it all at once? Just a thought.

Dad and I had the best laugh since surgery last night. I don't care how thoughtful, articulate, compatible or attentive people are-it is impossible to verbally instruct another person to put your pillow in the perfect spot. I ended up with dad practically smothering me! Mr Olson, in the bedroom, with the pillow. Anywho-it was rather ridiculous:)

Well, we're going to get some rest and lunch, then walk a block over to the ginormous REI. Should be fun:)
Warm hugs,
Jen



Friday, December 11, 2009 12:38 PM, MST
Welcome to Friday:)

I didn't get much sleep last night-I think I was trying to participate in a triathlon or something in my dreams. I kept waking up all crazy with something wrapped around another thing stuck to something else backwards.

Apparently Dad and I had another that-would-have-been-funny-if-we-saw-that-in-a-movie moment in the middle of the night. He'd been up for quite a while and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally he decided to listen to his iPod. When he put on the earphones, he thought he heard something, so he took one earbud out, listened, didn't hear anything, replaced earbud, thought he heard something...and so on.
I am on the other end of the suite laying in bed without my usual table for leverage close by, my PJs twisted, and my shoulder up towards my ear. Having my shoulder this way would have never happened when I was awake, but as it did while sleeping, it managed to trigger a pretty spectacular muscle spasm in my left pectoral (ie OUCH). So-I hear dad moving about some and call for him. No response. I wait a moment and call again. Nada. I guess what had happened was I kept calling just as he was putting his earbud back in, then I was listening for him while he was listening for me. Silly kids. At any rate, i managed to use my Kung Foo skills to get up, and got the muscle relaxers but couldn't open the bottle. I went into dad's bunk area just as he was sitting up to greet me, and I kicked him in the shin (gently, of course) and asked him to open the bottle for me. Once we figured out what was happening it was almost funny.

I got 2 lovely care packages yesterday. One from Naomi, Dad's girlfriend, and one from some of my knitter friends. It's always nice to be reminded that people are thinking of you and sending their care (be it tangible or not!). I was rather surprised the the local yarn store contributed a beautiful skein of sock yarn for me! I should get my boobs off more often! Wait...

I put on a "regular" tank top today, and I look freakishly normal in it. My "boobs" are a bit lumpy, but I don't look malformed or anything. That's nice to see. By summer the reconstruction should be complete, so I'll look even more "normal"-or at least busty-when the time comes to bare more skin.

Still doing lots more for myself every day. Feeling well with a bump here and there. Happy with my decision and my body and happy for my new start.

Thanks everyone for keeping me updated, staying in touch, and being so wonderful and encouraging and kind. Sorry for those with ailing relatives or bodies that aren't feeling so good-that's a tough place to be. I wish you peace on the journey

One last day in Seattle, the off to Bellingham! Yay for Joseph coming!!!!

Much love and hugs,
Jen




Sunday, December 13, 2009 5:59 PM, MST

Hello!
Well, I'd written half a novel before the computer decided to go black and rendered my previous works no more. Needless to say, the entry you will be privy too may be less poetic than its predecessor, but informative none the less.

Here's the overview:
Joseph came into Seattle yesterday morning bearing waffles. Dad and Joseph packed the room up and got the cars situated. I answered questions from the bed and tried not to be nervous as my inner child whined "They're touching my stuff!" At any rate- everything I need is where I am...I think.

Joseph immediately started with the jokes and I figure if laughter is the best medicine-I should be out of bed tomorrow:) Dad gave the full visual demonstrations on the care and feeding of Jen, and, with the exception of one wince when the drain openings were unveiled, Joseph seemed confident and unphased.

The three of us got onto the road around 3:45P, and were in Bellingham after a (thankfully!) uneventful trip North. We arrived at Joseph's parents house where I managed to tease the poor dog with my unfamiliar scent as she was held at a distance for the duration of my time there. She's a really sweet dog-just big, strong, and ready to play! Usually my thing-but not so much in my "condition." Joseph's parents were warm and inviting, and before we knew it, the Dad's were chatting it up in their own aged mathematical world:) So cute. Anywho-I started getting uncomfortable in the body, so we got pop settled in there, then headed out to Joseph's brother's house. (Joseph's oldest bro lives with the rents, so we'd met him briefly when we first arrived, then he retired to his space, and Joseph's blood bro, JP, is who we're staying with). So Dad walked Joseph and I to the car where we said our goodbyes. Joseph promised he'd take good care of me, and we waved goodbye to pop on the porch steps looking chilly. Pop called this morning well down the road and is sounding good. He says he feels good about leaving me with Joseph and fam (which I'm taking as a good thing:)

Joseph and I roll into JP and Sheila's place, and JP came down to greet us. I loved him right away. Guilt by association, ya know? It's like meeting Abra after you love me. It's just a given:) So we were welcomed in and I got the best spot on the couch with pillows and blankets and everything. I was instantly comfortable-in body and in spirit. I was offered food and drink and anything else I could want. We watched UFC (google it if you need to) and muttered witty rudities at the television. Perfect. Shiela told me about a tough surgery she had several years ago, and seemed incredibly compassionate about what I'm going through on all levels. I sat up and enjoyed everyone's company until Joseph's massages started putting me to sleep, the he suggested we come to the room and deal with my drains and meds. Joseph decided to crash on the couch because he was worried he'd accidentally hurt me in his sleep, which was:(, but thoughtful of him. Joseph did a great job on emptying the drains, and was incredibly gentle and precise. He didn't puke when the gigantic goober (an endearing term dad and I came up with for the clot strings that travel down the tubes to the drains)was expelled, or make any disgusted faces. I got all cozy in the bed and Joseph tucked me in and said good night.
Around 6 I woke up and took some pain meds and went to the bathroom. Just after I got back into bed Joseph peeked in to check on me and ended up sleeping next to me for a couple more hours. It was very nice.

Then this morning, Joseph had a full press of freshly brewed coffee and a cup on a tray for me. The sliding glass door leads right out to the lapping Pacific and the fog was perfectly thick-just like I like it. Joseph's bro cooked up steak and eggs-better than any breakfast out I've ever had!
I guess the big finale was my shower today. Joseph really pulled out the big guns on this one. I just never knew there was anyone in the world who would love me so much. Someone willing to clean me when I'm yucky stinky bloody gooey, dry me off, and dress my wounds and still look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. There just aren't words...

Sorry I didn't' warn you about the need for a puke bucket for this post-I see it's gotten a bit sappy. ANYWAY- I am SO happy and feeling better and better and completely taken care of. I'll leave it at that for now.

I cherish you all so very much-thanks for sharing in my pain and my happiness...
Jen



Monday, December 14, 2009 11:41 AM, MST
Hi all.
I should be able to keep today's update short as yesterday's was so jam packed.

I slept reasonably well, and Joseph was right there the few times I woke up to offer a hand. Last night I had some muscle stuff to manage, though today seems like it's mostly skin and nerve stuff being finicky. My pain level is very low, though. The muscle spasms during the night were probably because of the ridiculous laughing fit Joseph caused before bed! (Check out the bulging eyeball pic in the photos). What a goofball.

Anywho- I'm all set with my coffee, and Joseph and I are thinking of going out for a bit today. First he's cooking up some breakfast with his bro. I think I'll try to crochet some today. I'm still not knitting or crocheting with the speed or agility I'd like to-but I'm patient with me:)

Love to all and thanks again for keeping tabs on me and signing the guestbook. It's great to hear from you!
Jen




Wednesday, December 16, 2009 12:24 PM, MST
HI.
At some point I hope to fill you in on my adventures from yesterday...but I'm too exhausted to at the moment.

For now I'll just let you know I'm ok.

With modern medicine you'd think I could sign some form where I agree to forgo having a period this month-with all the other goings on in my body. But no. I still get to enjoy cramps on top of everything else and feel like I'm one giant soiled medical dressing. Yay.

Love to all...
Jen




Thursday, December 17, 2009 2:10 PM, MST

Good day!

All is going well here. Yesterday was a chill day and I got a chance to chat with a few folks that really got my spirits up. It seems like tough nights lead to challenging days-go figure. At any rate-I wasn't able to wallow given the support and encouragement coming at me. Thank you!

Today I woke feeling much better. Not only did I get to sleep better, but there's a yarn store outing in the works! I'm looking cute and feeling ready to gently face the world. Joseph was watching me be frustrated last night, and spent some time thinking about how he could help. Most of us have been in a situation where we wanted to "fix" something for someone else, but felt powerless. Usually my solution is to ask what I can do, and to be available. That's kind of where my imagination ends. OK-SAPPY WARNING*SAPPY WARNING*SAPPY WARNING!!!
Joseph, on the other hand-being a social work guy, surveys the scene and thinks "help by increasing the individual's ability to impact their environment." YES! So this morning Joseph brought down some tv trays and an ironing board and separated my clothes for me-making it so I can easily see what I have, pick an outfit or a hat or new socks or grab a maxi pad, and manage my business on my own. It's kind of like the old Teach A Man To Fish thing. It's always nice when someone is willing to fish for you and cook for you every night-but how empowering to know you can get your own damn fish, too. Awesome.

So the room is all nice and organized and we're both feeling pretty good about it. I get to meet one of Joseph's best friends today and I'm pretty excited. I've heard so much about her-I think we'll become fast friends.

Before I go, a couple of shout outs:
Naomi-Thank you for the cookbook! I do love it, and it will distinguish the cooking section of a self in the new kitchen.

Gma-I'm glad we have so much to chat about. I love being close with you.

Abra-What can I say-you're just the best, best, best girl. The Sunshine is an understatement. Don't forget your pirate ship, monkey!!!

Barbara-Thanks for your thoughts and I hope the girls are doing well. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. Please send my well wishes!

Kristi-I still need to write you back, but I love you!

Carol-Thanks for holding down the fort! I appreciate the updates and the encouragement!!!

Karen-Yay! Hi!

Mel and Mel- I just don't know how I'd stand up sometimes without you. I'm a lucky bastard.

Dad-thanks for, oh, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

Aunt Holly-Hope you're holding up. I'm wishing you strength.

T1-I'm sending you strength as well. Hang in there.

Orna-more love to you. I still mean to respond soon. I'm impressed by your resolve, and I know your feet are in the ground.

There's more, but I'll call it for now.

Take care everyone-of yourselves and each other.

Jen





Friday, December 18, 2009 8:44 PM, MST
Hello!

I just returned to Bellingham after going in to Seattle for a post op appt with the "plastics boys." I call them that because it seems like there's a whole gang of them who go about doing the surgeon's bidding. They're all rather young-I assume recent graduates with their first paying gig. At any rate-they're very personable and I feel confident with their skills. Although today one of them was rather "pokey." I dropped the f bomb twice from being poked unexpectedly and with a bit more force than I thought was needed. Anyway...
Joseph and I really tag teamed the morning in a pretty impressive manner and were able to get out onto the road as planned. We rolled into Seattle with a little time to spare, and found parking fairly easily.
I was nervous because I knew we might do the first expansion and I didn't know what to expect with that. Also I still have steri strips covering the incisions across each boob and I thought they might be ripping those puppies off. I had hoped earlier in the week that my last two drains would be removed at this visit, but as the appointment came closer and my drainage amounts weren't decreasing as I'd hoped, I had accepted the fact that I wouldn't be getting them out and would need to come back next week.
Joseph came into the doctor's office with me, and on the way back I chatted up the gal leading us to the appropriate room. I mentioned my disappointment that my drains weren't going to come out today but, after throwing some numbers around, she encouraged me to discuss it during the appointment as I still could possibly get them out. This was very good news indeed!
Let me tell you a bit about drains...
Every time I moved, I had to make sure I wasn't moving my arms in a way that would catch the tubes and make sure I wasn't getting caught up on anything and be careful not to sit on them and worry about where they were when I was sleeping and cover them in the shower and change the bandages around them twice a day and "strip" and empty and measure the bulbs twice a day and wear clothing that had pockets to accommodate them and not drop the bulbs, and figure out ways to dress over or under them and attach them to a shoelace for showering...
Kind of a pain. Lots of a pain, really.

SO...I'm getting long winded here. At any rate they DID take out the drains!!!!!! I got my first 50cc expansion, and they left those steri strips to come off on their own.
The rains were painless coming out as were the last ones. The expansion was W.E.I.R.D. The ports are towards the top of the expanders, so they poke around manually and find them-mark them with some odd magnetic marking tool. They pop a good length needle in there and inject the saline. I can both see and feel my chest blowing up. Crazy. So I guess I'm an A and a half right now:) The whole process didn't hurt-just felt weird and made me nervous as I didn't know what to expect. Joseph must have noticed my feet going all crazy because he came to the table and put his hand on my leg when they tapped the ports. I was glad to have his face to look at. We've joked before about how he's a soothing emollient for me:)

I got to check out the implant options and talk about what to expect for the expansion process and how my boobs will look once the implants were in rather than the expanders. It sounds pretty good! For a few months (they expect aprox 3 months) I'll have these odd looking, high flying chest bumps, but once the implants are in, they get lower and move more like natural breasts.

The BEST part (besides not getting breast cancer!) is that legally insurance companies have to pay for 3 bras and a specialized fitting every year. "Wha?" you say, "Free bras?!?!?!" Yes! The expensive high quality ones, too. None of this kmart business. Nordstrom's, baby. So once all is healed and in good shape, I'll be road trippin to Spokane. If anyone wants to go-I say we start planning some quality girl time!

Yesterday we went into town to visit the LYS (local yarn store), and it was fab. There was a younger guy with dreads working the register and making up a scarf for his bro. Joseph picked out some beautiful Misti Alpaca Hand painted he wanted a scarf out of. We also found something I can whip up for J.P. A girl and her mom came into the shop as the shopkeeper was winding my shiz, and had some questions on their projects. I listened to the situation, then asked if I may contribute some thoughts. The ladies and I ended up in the upstairs room at some tables with me showing the girl (13 years old like Abra:) and her mom some new techniques and helping them get back on track. It was really fun. Joseph went to get coffee for us, and gave us time to focus on the projects. The shopkeeper ended up giving me a teacher discount, and I plan on coming in for Knit Night which is on Tuesdays from 5:30-8pm. I think Sheila will come with me as she wanted to get back into knitting and wants to be taught how to make a hat.
Just before Joseph and I left the LYS, he turned and saw a book called Men's Knits and gasped as he rushed to it and started flipping through. He found several scarves and sweaters that he really liked and seemed excited to point them out to me. I know enough couples to know not to take this knitting appreciation for granted! I remember hearing that it's bad luck for a relationship to knit a guy a sweater before he's "made an honest woman out of you," but I'm rethinking my thoughts on that. First of all-I'm not all that into superstitions. Second-if Joseph can bathe me, dress my wounds, do my laundry, open my doors, buckle my seatbelt, and basically cater to me in a gazillion other ways-I figure the least I can do is knit the guy a friggen sweater.

Hope this update finds everyone doing well,
Jen




Saturday, December 19, 2009 9:49 AM, MST
O.U.C.H.
Having the expanders filled at this point (two weeks out from surgery) has set my arm strength back quite a bit. Over all I'm less tired and am still SO very happy to have those drains out, but the tightness around my trunk is pretty intense.
A working brain and a limited body is, as I'd suspected, a challenging thing to navigate.
Luckily Joseph is really understanding and isn't the kind of person that doesn't get why on earth I'd be more incapable today than I was yesterday. He's out at a pool tournament today-we're hoping he gets in as he's on the wait list. If he gets to play, he will bring home some bacon. No one here can match his skillz on the table:) That's my man!

In the mean time, I'll be laying real low today and the meds will be flowin' in a big way. Each expansion should get better (as the rest of my body heals and all I'm dealing with is the muscle itself) up until the end where they're getting close to my regular size. I hear the second surgery is quite a relief because the hard expanders get switched for softer more malleable fillings.

Talk to you all soon,
Jen




Monday, December 21, 2009 8:45 AM, MST
Good morning:)

After a very busy yesterday, I've woken feeling surprisingly refreshed. I'm definitely feeling some discomfort esp on the left side where things are usually a bit more uncomfortable, but I don't feel exhausted as I have before. I guess that's improvement! We'll take it!

Yesterday Joseph and I went into town and had some breakfast downtown. One of Joseph's artist mentors just happened by and joined us for coffee. Later we went to his studio and I got to see the place where many of Joseph's stories originated from. This artist's work blew my mind. He himself was a wonderful man, and I felt quite honored to have had the experience there.

We drove down the coast a bit to a little town called Fairhaven where, of course, I sniffed out a yarn shop. We walked around and looked at the town a bit then ended with the yarn store. It turns out the owner was the first sales rep for Mountain Colors and used to live in Montana. Small world. At any rate, my first impression of the yarn store was good, but as I started touching all the beautiful colors, I noticed most of the stock was very course and itchy. I don't think I'd ever make anything with stuff like that. I don't think I could knit it without damaging my hands-even if I did plan for the end use to be outerwear. Once I started chatting with the owner, I realized she was rather scratchy herself-abrasive. It was quite interesting. Luckily I tend to disarm those types easily, so I did enjoy the visit, and was able to get some sale stuff that is to my liking. At any rate, it was fascinating to see this woman reflected in her stock.

Joseph and I went to his parent's place after our excursion, and I had a chance to spend more time with them and meet Joseph's oldest brother and his family. I really enjoyed the kids. Dinner was very tasty, and I ate like a bottomless pit. I don't know if I'm so hungry because I'm healing, or if I'm just overeating, but either way it's better than a steady diet of oatmeal.

Today should be pretty mellow. I'd like to keep working on some of my knitting projects and get some consistency back into my stamina.

I think we'll shoot for leaving here next Sunday, though it may not be until Monday. I'll keep you updated on that. I'm hoping to get some stuff into the new place before I work a week from Wednesday. Time is such a funny thing...

I miss everyone so much,
Jen



Tuesday, December 22, 2009 5:52 PM, MST
Hello!
Today was a beautiful sunny day here in Bellingham, and Joseph and I went out to enjoy it. We went for lunch at the Beaver (yup) and walked around downtown again. I'm packing up knitting for Knit Night at the LYS and I'm excited to meet some new knitters!
I'm feeling better and better all the time. I noticed I'd forgotten here and there that I wasn't 100%-which is a nice change. I have a lot of energy and I even woke up without pain for the first time since surgery. Awesome.
I'm posting some silly pics. I tried on the post op tank top with the boobies in it. I feel better without the falsies:)




Wednesday, December 23, 2009 12:34 PM, MST
Ok, people. What would a Jen excursion be without some drama and excitement? Nothing, I say...NOTHING. SO here it is:

Out to knitting-weird at first, then fun, then told my life story (I know, so unlike me to divulge!) to a captive audience...
Dinner with Joseph-cold outside, but yummy food and fantastic company:)
The drive home-here's where it gets good! We are winding out of downtown and getting closer to the freeway. Just beyond my blathering, we hear this screeching (which we'd been hoping would go away) erupt into a pretty spectacularly loud pop-zing-whamoo noise. Apparently the car became difficult to steer at this point. Since this last bit transpired at a light in the left hand lane to get onto the freeway, we started to go when the light turned green and managed to get pulled to the side of the on-ramp. Now-some lady had been flashing her lights at us and as we started to turn onto the on-ramp, she upgraded to honking-as-warning. When we got pulled over, she pulled up behind us, telling Joseph that there were sparks flying from under the hood. At this point, I'm sitting helpless in the passenger seat, watching as Wonder Woman herself (not even joking, though she donned her smarter activewear rather than her traditional 'dress blues' as it were) popped the hood with Joseph to reveal a flaming, sparking hood. The heat guard that is attached (well, was attached) to the underbelly of the hood had become overheated and was now burning. I assumed the protective qualities of the guard had been compromised at this point. Joseph and W.W. pulled the guard off of the hood and, as is only reasonable with things that were just on fire, promptly placed it in the trunk. Joseph closed up the hood, W.W. got into her car, we all managed to dodge the crazy drivers approaching the on-ramp at 55mph, and we drove off.
The car was quietly rolling for a minute before I decided to inquire. I said I wasn't comfortable riding in the car and I wondered what the plan was. We got to the next exit and pulled into the AmPm market. The power steering was shot. There was smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood, and Joseph got out to survey the damage. I decided to go talk to the people inside and make sure it was ok to leave the car overnight. Joseph looked as though he was ready to take a bat to the car, so I decided to give him some space:)
After the smoke had settled, and Joseph's bro was on his way to us, Joseph and I chatted about all the possible scenarios we felt lucky to have avoided. A little game of "at least." "At least this didn't' happen when..." etc.
We found out this morning that we kind of had the best case scenario. AAA towed the car into a family friend's shop who was ready for us. They quickly assessed the situation, and told us what had happened was the alt belt had flung off and melted some switches, then lacerated a radiator hose. Joseph's parents now know what we need for xmas, and all is well. The car will be ready in 2 hours.

This is why I love getting older, folks. Something like this happens-the car catches on fire just before xmas in the dark on an out of town freeway on-ramp-and I can look beyond the smokey wreckage and the panic and the frustration and the complete physical helplessness and know everything is going to be just fine. So I might as well laugh now.

Talk to you soon,
Jen




Thursday, December 24, 2009 7:18 PM, MST
Joseph and I went into town for a bit today and found a gas mask for Gabe (it's a perfect gift, believe it or not), and a couple of other fun trinkets. Our breakfast was awesome even though there was a long wait for a table. I got some homemade Maple Fudge (not available in Missoula!). It was a nice walk and a good outing where I was rather excited that nothing exciting happened. I'm feeling very capable and was able to put on a regular t shirt all by myself for the first time! This opens up a whole bunch of wardrobe options to me when I come home:)

Apparently midnight mass is a big family deal for the Grady's, so I said I'd go for the experience. I find Catholicism more interesting than anything else. It's so foreign to me. We don't have to stay if I get tired or uncomfortable, so I figured I go watch their routines.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday, be you a religious type or a fellow heathen. May humanity unite us.

Happy Christmas
Peace and Love,
Jen




Saturday, December 26, 2009 9:57 AM, MST
Good Morning

I hope Xmas was fun for everyone involved. We had a nice time at Joseph's parent's house, and I found out it was the first time all of the boys have been there for Xmas in at least a decade. The food was great and I even had a stocking:)

Today we're going to see Avitar (even though I feel like I've seen it about 500 times with all the hype, but I digress) and we'll take Gabe. Gabe's cuz comes in this afternoon at some point, so we decided to take an extra day and let the boys get some more time in together. At any rate, we'll be leaving Monday.

I'll check back in if anything super fantastic happens...
feeling better and better, even though I'm really sick of not being able to sleep on my sides:(

Sheila and I came up with a very insightful comment the other day: Sometimes big sacrifices are a small price to pay.




Sunday, December 27, 2009 12:22 AM, MST
Howdy,
Well, I never made it to the movie today. Joseph and I went on a pretty long walk along the ocean and as soon as I got in the car I was completely spent. Joseph said he'd be happy to take me back to the house to rest several times-I could tell he was a bit worried at my sudden change in energy level. At any rate, I did come back to the house and took a nice nap. I rested all evening and now feel better. Meanwhile Joseph is sawing logs next to me. He's a cutie.

I've posted some new pics, so check them out if you'd like. It's encouraging for me to look at the sideshow and see my improvement over time. I'm both excited and afraid of going back to my routine. I REALLY am looking forward to being home and close to my friends!

Much love,
Jen




Monday, December 28, 2009 7:44 AM, MST
Well folks-as happy as I am to be coming home-I'm a bit nervous about a few things.

The last two days started with high energy, but I crashed in the afternoons-making it necessary to go back to the house ASAP for a nap. The naps seem to be followed by a period of physical weakness. I didn't take any pain meds yesterday, and, after waking up several times pretty uncomfortable, I took a big dose of Advil and I got back to sleep eventually.

I'm worried about working with such unpredictable needs. I'm worried about sleeping in a smaller bed with a different "Pillow Throne." I'm worried about so many miles in a car. At any rate, I'm still going to be happy to be with the cat and my friends and the new house!

Joseph is showering then going to load the car. We'll go grab Gabe and say goodbye to the folks and be on our way! Wish me strength and a sound mind as we travel, please. This is a long drive home...

Much love,
Jen




Monday, December 28, 2009 9:27 PM, MST
Hello everyone.

We made it.

We're tired.

We're grumpy.

I'll check in tomorrow.

Jen
P.S. It is nice to be back, though.




Tuesday, December 29, 2009 4:42 PM, MST
HI.
I'm pleased to report that I am feeling MUCH better today. I got good sleep. Poor Joseph slept on an inflatable for fear of an accidental elbow throw or some such thing. As I said I got good sleep.

The drive yesterday was actually pretty manageable due to the auto version of my pillow throne. I read somewhere I should pack around little pillows for post op comfort and boy was that a great suggestion! I was explaining to Dad that if my arms just wanted to hang down, I could accommodate them more easily, but as they are, they want me to coddle them and have them in this position, then twist and elevate and flip, then rotate...It's all about the pillows.

I requested coverage for Wed night (yay knitting!) since I thought going strait back into full time might do me in. If the doctor's office doesn't fax in a note, I might be forced to take more time off. We'll see. My arms and chest are rather cranky today, so that doesn't bother me so much at the moment.

So ladies: you know how when you lay on your back and your boobs fall down into your armpits? Well when my skin got all stitched down, they tucked a bunch of it down under my armpits. I feel like one of those super buff dudes that can't put their arms down all the way cause they are so beefy. It's funny and irritating. After a day like today, I feel a lot of superficial irritation (weird numb spots, sensitive skin, pokey and burny sensations, etc) in addition to the muscular discomfort. It's just enough to be annoying.

SO-enough complaining. I've got way cooler things to tell you about. Today we got the keys to our new house. O.M.G. It is so perfect for us. This is the coolest home I've had!
Joseph and I spent the late morning and afternoon measuring and sketching and planning. It was so cute when we went to meet the landlady. Joseph lives close to the house we're renting, so we just walked over and it was so icy that Joseph wanted to hold my hand and make sure I didn't fall. So we held onto each other all tight and it felt like we were going into a new adventure together. And we are:) I can't wait to get settled so we can plan a housewarming party!
I've got a great little sewing nook and he a great weird cement painting area. Dad is (and again I owe him a gazillion more scarves and other whatevers!!!) getting us a bed that can fit Joseph's height and the width of two bodies. Gabe is stoked on his room-he thinks he'll be able to sneak out easily, though the look he got from his Pop combined with the "Try it" affirmation may have dissuaded him. Joseph and I took turns listening in our room while the other listened to the floorboards leading to possible escape routes. I love being a grown up:)

Dexter is doing well and seems to be quite comfortable. I am really looking forward to getting at my clothing. One can only do so much with the outfits on hand. I'm also super excited to meet up with friends that I haven't seen if FOREVER. I'm not able to drive yet, so I'm on foot or accepting rides:) My car won't start at the moment anyway. I tried to put the car in gear and turn the wheel, but I underestimated the power of the lack of power steering and an automatic transmission. Joseph said I can switch cars until I'm strong enough to drive mine again. Now that's love. I've known many men who wouldn't be caught dead in the Geo Tracker:)

Tonight I'm meeting up with "The Mels" for a brief "Yeah-we're in the same state again!" check in. Wed night I'm hoping to go to knitting with the crew. It's a block away so I can come home when I get tired. Tomorrow Dad and Naomi are coming into town to help get the new place set up.

It's so odd how much I've enjoyed myself lately. The discomfort and medical crap totally sucked (and some of it will continue to do so), but I feel like something in me has fundamentally shifted and I'm ready to embark on this new phase of my life. A life of love and humor and history. A life without breast cancer.
Awesome.

What a long strange road it's been...

Well-I've gotten through surgery and have four weeks of recovery under my belt. It was much more painful than I'd anticipated, but I'm really glad I did it. The actual breast removal didn't seem to be where the pain originated from, but rather the expanders that were placed under the pectorals and pumped up with 350ccs of saline before I even woke up. I think the pain would have been much more tolerable those first few days if those expanders were done differently. Also, I think if the hospital staff were a bit more on their game, I could have had my pain managed better.
I abandoned this blog for the CaringBridge web page-something I felt comfortable with everyone seeing and staying updated with. This blog is a bit more raw and gritty. I'm hoping to transfer the posts from there to here so that all is documented more thoroughly. I guess the overview is that I was surprised at the discomfort, but stoked on the choice, the results, and the range of motion. I've never had a major surgery like this before, so I realize now that there were things associated with that which I didn't know about. So much for all that research! But honestly, I did know the really important stuff and I was glad to easily follow the doctor's information as they relayed it.

I returned home the day before yesterday, and I'm looking forward to being able to drive myself around and see all of my friends again. The outpouring of support was mind blowing. Simply mind blowing. Dad really stepped it up, Joseph just flabbergasted me with his attentive and gentle wound care and showering, etc. Friends and relatives sent care packages and there was not a yarn shortage in sight! I've felt rather optimistic throughout this process, and each little new thing I can do physically is a happy little success-like going though an expedited childhood.

Joseph managed to secure housing for us before coming out to meet me, and we got the keys yesterday. Not having seen the inside before, it was very exciting to look around and plan what we were going to do with the place. We have some AWESOME ideas! This will be, by far, the most phenomenal housing I've ever had. Dad has floated us this month's rent and is coming to help move and is buying us a new bed. All wonderful things that make me feel both completely excited and somewhat guilty. But, ya know, I've never been a big fan of guilt, and there were times in my life where he really dropped the ball-so I'll graciously accept his help:)

The Countdown

5 Days, 11 Hours
But who's counting, right?
I have these fleeting moments of panic, but I'm starting to think I'll be on the bandwagon with the other "I'm so glad it's OVER" folk. Everything has been moving right on schedule, and nothing has derailed me so far. The move is going well. Two more trips to get the remainder of my shit out, and the place is mostly cleaned (Thank you, awesome boyfriend, dad and dad's lady friend!!!). My things are packed and all accommodations are set. I have one more shift after tonight, and I'll be out of here. I'm going to try to get one more knitting session in before I go on Sunday evening. Then one more night with Joseph before I go. I suppose I'll be alright without him, but I will miss his soothing quality and his funny commentary. It feels like we've developed a whole selection of inside jokes that no one else can appreciate. And when he laughs, his whole face lights up and I can't help but feel like all is well in the world for that moment. I'm sure I will be very ready to see him when he comes out to meet us. His brother's girlfriend is a fellow knitter (I just found this out) and somehow it makes me feel like everything will be alright. Odd, but true.
I'm not too scared of the pain at the moment.
I'm tired just thinking about the drive on Monday.
I want to puke when I think of how close the surgery is-kind of like I feel when I think about flying in an airplane.
I'm not sure if I'm scared of the anxiety just before the procedure-I've been able to take it one step at a time so far.
I'm looking forward to a month off, and to having a visit with my daughter. The visit was just set up a week ago, and I'm really happy I'll get to see her.
I'm nervous about my sex life, but I guess that will be figured out.
I've got some pretty underthings that I think will make me feel better about my empty boob sacks.

I've thought of my mom several times today. Missed her a bit. The girls at work ended up having a food fight, and I totally let it go (though I'm sure that wouldn't be considered "professional"). Mom would have been very happy about a food fight. It was in her honor that I sat in the office and listened to the kids giggle and run around. Life sure is changing. Nothing shocks me, but lots of things do surprise me. I think surgery will come with a few surprises as well. And I'm okay with that at the moment. I feel loved and I feel like my needs are getting met. That's a lot more that other people get, right?

The Bye Bye Boobie Party

I felt an incredible sense of support on Sunday when all my Knitter friends threw me a goodbye party for my boobs. We did a casting of my chest, and I'm excited to see that my guy is showing interest in painting it. He's a wonderful artist, and I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
Some folks have taken a little while to come around about this surgery stuff, and some have been very understanding right from the start, but I think we're all on the same page now. I'm starting to be anxious to get this over with. At least the initial surgery. I feel like I've thought through every detail and planned as well as anyone could given the number of variables inherent to this type of thing. Work has been putting the screws to me a bit, and I'm looking forward to a vacation-as odd as it will be.
I've got my bag all packed and I'm finalizing the knitting projects that will come with. The moving is going well, and there will hopefully be a furniture moving session on Monday-bringing me closer to being out of my apartment. It is starting to look rather bare. I feel like this portion of my life is wrapping up and when I return to town, a new phase will begin. I'm rather optimistic about it-which is somewhat unlike me.
Dad's prostate treatment (seeding) will happen next Wednesday, and I'm hoping all goes very smoothly with him. I'll feel better about being obsessed with my own surgery when his is done. I guess mine is much more invasive, but still... He's my Pop and I want to be as supportive and available as possible.
My theme song has been "You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need." So, so true...

19 days and counting...Fuck, this is going to be tough.

The Pics Are In!

So the photo shoot is done. I'm very pleased with the results-I think they'll be a great memorandum to the girls.
I completely freaked out in the shower two days ago while soaping up. The reality that I was cutting parts of me off hit really hard. The next shower (which I procrastinated in taking) I kept my bra on for. That seemed to help. The last shower I took went fine-sans bra.
My bag is half packed and most of the details of my trip are planned out. It's just a matter of getting the apartment packed up and getting through the last shifts at work. I can't believe I leave town in 25 days...This is really happening.

Nips N Nodes

There have been a few ups and downs this week. I expected this, though. I think I'm doing well in coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have my nipples. I'd like some great sex before I'm out of commission for a while, but I'm not sure that's in the cards. Things have been so crazy lately! I've decided to go ahead with the surgeon's recommendation to remove one sentinel node from each armpit. Apparently this will need to be located by injecting dye into my breast in some undisclosed location (would have been into the tumor if I had one, but since I don't, no one I've asked seems to know where it will go). I should check the FORCE website and see if anyone has discussed this. There is a very small risk of lymphodema with this, but it means I don't have to have another MRI before surgery or have additional cutting if pathology comes back showing cancer.
I've been looking at photos of other people who have documented their procedures, and I've found them to be super helpful. I just want to see what I'm going to be looking like, ya know? I don't want to freak out when I get the bandages off.
My friends at knitting have been really great, and we decided to have a party where we all make casts of our boobs and then paint them (the casts). I think it will be a great ceremonial goodbye as well as an act of solidarity as I go into this. One of my friends daughters (who I'm close to and have gone on bike rides with) is going to take some photos for me before I go. I think I might incorporate my new silk shawl into some of them. I made it just for something to go around me when I'm cold in bed and don't want to deal with dressing myself. Turns out this may be one of the most beautiful things I've made yet! I'll post a pic of it, plus the pre op pics when I get them done.
I have wanted to back out a time or two, but I wont. Everything is set in motion, and this makes sense. It's not like people who get cancer think "Oh good, now I'll get to have a surgery!" It's not like that is much of a choice at that point, so I expand on that to ease the feeling of dread that I have sometimes. No one wants to go through this. But I have what I need to do it now, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I should do it now. As scared as I am of going ahead with this, it is still less frightening and more empowering than any other scenario I can come up with. So there it is. On with the plan...
It looks like I'm going to try to move my belongings out of my apartment before leaving for the surgery, and that my boyfriend will be out to care for me sooner than later. I'm so glad he'll be there. It will be odd to meet his family and have my dad meet them while I'm all torn up, but what can ya do? Nothing about my life has been particularly ordinary thus far-so why change now?

Late night psychoanalysis

I'm working all night tonight. Just watched a documentary on doctors that followed med students through their schooling and into their established fields over the course of 21 years. There were lots of sick people and lots of surgery scenes. Not Hollywood surgery scenes, but real open people stuff. I think it was helpful for me to see the people talking to the doctors before surgery. I can imagine myself there and being calm as I wait to be put under. At this point, the going under and the waking with pain are what bother me most.
Tonight it is snowing-the first snow of the season. It's early. There's probably an inch or so now, but the way it's coming down, I won't be surprised if there's several more inches by the time I drive home. I can't help but find myself pondering all the what ifs in life. Everything seems to be a crap shoot. I don't seem to have control over anything. I wonder sometimes if that's why I've elected to have this surgery. This is something I can control. This is preventative. But it will only prevent one thing - granted it's the thing my mother and my grandmother died of-still it's only eliminating one possible route my eventual demise will take. I suppose that's enough. It must be since I'm making this decision.
I have the support of most of my friends. Some have questioned me-even grilled me-before giving it to me. My boyfriend is scared for me, but he assures me he's behind me all the way. I guess tonight I'm rather numb to it. It's all far to complicated of an action to break down and explain.
I'm likening this to getting tattoos. I go in, have something in mind, start on the permanent alteration of my body. I've never regretted a tattoo even though I've had many. I've changed some and morphed some, and I think I'll have that option if the new boobs aren't what I thought I'd get. Though I'll never be able to undo this. I won't have any feeling. But I won't have cancer there either. Maybe I'll get to live longer and be happier. Maybe. Life is a risk. It's all a big risk. I guess I've decided risking my body image and my sensation in my chest and nipples is worth the possibility that I don't get breast cancer. Does this have anything to do with my mom's recent passing? You bet. Perhaps this surgery could be some symbolic way of removing her from my life. I get it. Somehow that seems like a good enough reason to do it as well. I mean, I'll never be whole again anyway. What does that even mean-to be whole?
If you haven't already guessed, I'm struggling a bit with everything. The reality of things is sinking in, and I'm tired and emotionally drained. I'm scared. But that's never stopped this stubborn bitch before.

Scheduled

After several months of research, doctor visits and tests, and "soul" searching, I've scheduled a Prophylactic Double Skin Sparing Mastectomy with immediate partial reconstruction. They'll cut around my areola, remove my nipple and breast tissue along with a sentinal node from each armpit. My pectoral muscles will be cut and an expander placed under each muscle. The expanders will have a small amount of saline in them, and a patch of Aloderm will be used to stitch to each side of the pectoral muscle, closing the muscle back up over the expander. Over the following 3-4 months, saline will be added to the expanders via a port somewhere by my armpit. Once the expanders have successfully stretched out the muscle and filled out the skin left on my chest, I will have the expanders surgically removed and implants put in. I've read that this is a pretty easy second surgery.

I've decided to document this for others who may be facing a similar choice, experience, etc. I hope to do a thurough and honest job of explaining what is happening, and provide progress photos to "fill in" some of the gaps there are in the way of visuals available on the net.

Background:
I have the BRCA 1 genetic mutation and my mom passed away on March 23, 2009 at 55 after a five year fight with breast cancer. My maternal Grandmonther also died of Breast Cancer. My maternal Aunt and all tested females on my mom's side have the genetic mutation as well.
I'm 32. My Dad has Prostate cancer (very early stages, we think), and I live with my cat in an apartment, but plan on moving in with my boyfriend after surgery. I do have a daughter who lives out of the country and just turned 13. We are in regular contact.

After watching my mother struggle with this disease and finding out about my BRACA1 status, I started looking into my options. At first I thought I'd get a historectomy, but it soon became clear that the risks could easily outweigh the benifits due to my age. I was initially very uncomfortable with the idea of loosing my breasts, and had ruled it out as an option. As I continued to research reconstruction techniques, I became more comfortable with the idea of trading my dangerous boobies for some safer, replacement models. This will reduce my risk from 90% to <2% of getting breast cancer. I'll loose a lot of breast sensation, but I've become aware that my breasts provide me with more discomfort than pleasure, so the idea of not feeling them isn't so bad. I doubt I'll have any more children, so I'm not concerned with being able to breastfeed. My boyfriend promises willingly to give the new girls lots of attention. I expect they'll recieve a nice weclome-to-the-neighborhood party when the doctor gives me the go ahead.

I'll have a lot of things to ramble on about as the surgery draws near, but I thought this would be a good start for now. I have a recuperation plan, places to stay, friends who'll watch the cat, a bag of books I plan to take (I've been meaning to read those!), and a list of things a lady from the FORCE website suggested be brought to the hospital and to wherever one plans to recuperate. I have many things on the list already.

Deep breath...here we go!