And for my next trick...

Tomorrow is the big day. Funny I say "big," because, after the last appointment, I'm thinking my boobs aren't going to be as big as I'd hoped. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm kind of going in with low expectations when it comes to final results.

I'm coping pretty well, though. Joseph and I have had a couple little spats, but nothing a few sentences of explanation and apology didn't repair. He's been through a lot lately - with the suicide of a family member just last week. Everything seems to be hitting at once, and I think it's a testament to our mutual love and respect that our relationship hasn't suffered with all the stress. It really is a beautiful thing when two people form a partnership that enables them to face the world as stronger individuals.

Yesterday, Melanie was gracious enough to go to "TJ Ross" (our new favorite phrase) so I could get a nice new robe and a fitness ball. The fitness ball is great for sitting on while on the computer and for pressing my back against when it gets sore. I think it will be a multi function helper. The robe I found is luxurious. It's that nice slinky rayon with the feel of bamboo. Inexpensive, but fabulous. I also found a cute little nighty to go under it. It is really important to me that I have things that make me feel pretty or please me aesthetically. It's all about exploiting the sensory input that is still capable of pleasure.

We repositioned the couch so that the TV will be easier to view without craning my neck. I found the memory foam and the down mattress cover from my old bed along with my favorite sheets. Now the fold out bed is pimped and ready for my comfortable lounging. We have the PS3 set up to stream Netflix - and all is well in the world. A few loads of laundry and a trip to the grocery store, and we'll be ready to rock.

Dad and his finance will meet Joseph and I at the surgery center at 8:00am. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight. I do get to take my meds in the morning, so Xanax should help with the pre mask anxiety. They also will administer Versed when I'm still with dad and Joseph, so that helps. I keep telling myself it's going to be ok and, for the most part, I believe me. Melanie will provide transport from the surgery center back to my house since her car is the most comfortable to ride in. Although I anticipate being rather out of it, I'm still glad I'll get to see her. Some people just make a person feel better, you know?

So-here we go again! My hope is that I go in feeling as calm as I did for the first surgery, and come out feeling a hell of a lot better. It's encouraging that I can face such things and not become as overwhelmed as I did when I was younger. Age can be the barer of some very useful gifts.

A curious case of the Blahs

Luckily it is not yesterday. Yesterday was sucky. It was a take-all-you-can-get-to-feel-sad-about-and-mix-it-with-some-self-loathing day, and it did not go so well. Luckily I have a great partner that I can come clean about this kind of stuff with. He's patient with me. Wants to look at my eyeballs when I tell him I'm depressed. Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to the surgery at this point. I was gung ho at first-just excited to be done-but now I'm feeling kind of down about trying to come back from this. I've gained weight and lost muscle and even though I'm still a spring chicken by most accounts, it's not as easy to get back into shape as it used to be. At any rate, I have a long list of questions for the doctor next week, and hopefully I'll feel good going into it. I'm sure I will. I rally well. It's the anticipation that gets me...

*Sigh*

I just returned from my final expansion. I've got 550ccs in. The doctor is kind of back and forth with just how big the final implant would be. I trust him to do what he can. I'd like as much as I can get to put my figure back to "normal." Though "normal" at this point could be achieved by simply slimming down under the armpits. It's getting pretty crowded there. I have one last check in with the doc on 2/17, then my exchange surgery on 2/22. I am really, really ready for this to be done. I think I may have opted for a different reconstruction method if I'd have known I wouldn't tolerate the expansion process well. Since I'm good and medicated, I don't hurt too bad yet, but I'm clumsy as a motherfucker. The pressure is steadily increasing as I write (and stop to put up coffee). I'll attempt to keep in front of the pain. I'm balancing my own medication schedule: muscle relaxers (not the old skool kind that put me out, but a newer type that doesn't feel like much), hydrocodone, and pot. I get really nauseous with the hydro, so the pot helps-and keeps the pain down. I work a short shift tonight after bereavement group and knitting. Thank goodness for friendships and time.

Thank you,sir, may I have another?

Quite a bit has happened since my last post. My work, relying on my previous doctor's note as the word of Christ, gave me a few options-all of which had me in a panic. I could either return to full duty and keep my hours, work only the second half of my regular shifts, or take more time off siting medical leave. I investigated my options, and, despite my supervisor's initial email to the contrary, was able to add my two cents and come up with a temporary workable situation. I have 2/3 of my hours for the next three weeks. I think this will be enough to squeak by on in the short term. At first I couldn't see how this would work out. Full duty was going to be really tough with more expansions to go. I could BS my way through, but what if I dropped a baby or something? What if me pushing myself too hard meant harm to someone I was responsible for? I'm not very good at acknowledging my limits-and this one was a hard one to swallow. Half time wasn't going to cover my bills-even with Joseph's help on rent and whatnot. I looked into our state's unemployment/temp disability laws, and it seems like they aren't very accommodating. Luckily one of the nights I'm working entails me presenting on various topics to the residents, and it's a task that would be difficult for another staff to fill in on. After this week (Wed being the second to last fill!), I realized that the hours being cut were actually rather helpful. This shit is an ordeal, and I need my rest.

Joseph's Birthday is today! What a guy I've got. I feel so lucky to have him. He really takes great care of me without making me feel like a fucking invalid. He's sensitive to my needs, and rolls with the punches as well as anyone could. I was afraid to admit I ever wanted so much from another human because I though it was simply too much to ask. But here he is...

I have a pretty awesome medical update. My current doctor does things a bit differently than other surgeons I've read about. I have heard his reasoning as well as the logic behind other surgeon's methods, and they both make sense to me. My doctor's strategy sounds like the preferred plan since it shortens the length of my reconstruction and...well...shortens the length of my reconstruction:) The plan now is to have one more expansion in a week and a half (Feb 3) which will put me at 550cc, then wait three weeks and have the exchange surgery. Dr. Hardy has explained that he would like to carve out a little more tissue by the sternum in order to give a bit more cleavage, and thinks he can get 750cc implants in. In effect the final expansion will be done with the permanent implants. This sounds good to me as I hear the implants are much more comfortable than the expanders. I like the idea of having the final steps combined into one last procedure, then starting to feel better and better without the setbacks that expansions result in. We'll see how it goes. I think with proper pain management and being at the hospital that I want to be at (close to home!!!), I'll do well. Thank goodness there's an end in sight. I'm tiring of this ordeal. I can make it, but I'm tired.

Can you expand on that?

This is my first full week back at work. Unfortunately it coincided with my first in town expansion. I had to go through some rigmarole to get an appointment, so I jumped on the first one they offered-Wednesday morning at 7:30 am. I had the day to relax, and went to work at 6pm to pull the first of three all-nighters. The down side was that the 50ccs of extra saline in each side made quite a stink under my muscle. My expanders are at 450ccs each now, which is technically full capacity. This doctor and my Seattle surgeon have differing views on how much overfill one can achieve with a given expander. The local doc thinks filling a 450cc expander to 850cc (as I had been told would be needed to achieve a D cup) will only result in me having a rock hard ball under my pectoralis. This, as you may expect, would be incredibly uncomfortable and probably a bit counter productive.

The Seattle plastics surgeon was rather flippant about most questions I had and never gave me much in the way of specific answers. That combined with the fact that I never saw him after the initial consult, and don't even know if he actually performed the second half of my procedure with his own hands, leaves me devoid of loyalty or confidence. The Seattle surgeon from the SCCA who removed the breast tissue was the reason I made the trip, and the plastics doc was more of an afterthought. Though the local plastics doc doesn't promise a return to my original size, he offers several other benefits which have resulted in my decision to have him see me through the remainder of my expansion and on through my exchange surgery.

He has great credentials and a very good bedside manner. There was no excessive poking.

He gave logical, clear explanations and answered all of my questions to my satisfaction.

Having the last surgery locally will be more convenient and less expensive. I trust the hospital staff here to take better care of me post op than did the nursing staff at UW. Joseph will be able to keep up with school and care for me simultaneously. My friends will be able to visit and help out.

I feel confident that I will wake up from surgery with the results I'm told I can expect. Of course there is always a bit of uncertainty with a procedure like this, but I think any changes would be because of a medical necessity rather than an error.

I like the idea that the money stays in the community.

Scheduling will be easier now that I'm "in."

So...
I have two more expansions scheduled, and then I could be ready for the exchange surgery. It's nice to think that this all could be done sooner than I thought, and without a long trip to Seattle and back. Hopefully I can come out of this with a nice set of C cups and the promise of someday sleeping on my side again...