And for my next trick...

Tomorrow is the big day. Funny I say "big," because, after the last appointment, I'm thinking my boobs aren't going to be as big as I'd hoped. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm kind of going in with low expectations when it comes to final results.

I'm coping pretty well, though. Joseph and I have had a couple little spats, but nothing a few sentences of explanation and apology didn't repair. He's been through a lot lately - with the suicide of a family member just last week. Everything seems to be hitting at once, and I think it's a testament to our mutual love and respect that our relationship hasn't suffered with all the stress. It really is a beautiful thing when two people form a partnership that enables them to face the world as stronger individuals.

Yesterday, Melanie was gracious enough to go to "TJ Ross" (our new favorite phrase) so I could get a nice new robe and a fitness ball. The fitness ball is great for sitting on while on the computer and for pressing my back against when it gets sore. I think it will be a multi function helper. The robe I found is luxurious. It's that nice slinky rayon with the feel of bamboo. Inexpensive, but fabulous. I also found a cute little nighty to go under it. It is really important to me that I have things that make me feel pretty or please me aesthetically. It's all about exploiting the sensory input that is still capable of pleasure.

We repositioned the couch so that the TV will be easier to view without craning my neck. I found the memory foam and the down mattress cover from my old bed along with my favorite sheets. Now the fold out bed is pimped and ready for my comfortable lounging. We have the PS3 set up to stream Netflix - and all is well in the world. A few loads of laundry and a trip to the grocery store, and we'll be ready to rock.

Dad and his finance will meet Joseph and I at the surgery center at 8:00am. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight. I do get to take my meds in the morning, so Xanax should help with the pre mask anxiety. They also will administer Versed when I'm still with dad and Joseph, so that helps. I keep telling myself it's going to be ok and, for the most part, I believe me. Melanie will provide transport from the surgery center back to my house since her car is the most comfortable to ride in. Although I anticipate being rather out of it, I'm still glad I'll get to see her. Some people just make a person feel better, you know?

So-here we go again! My hope is that I go in feeling as calm as I did for the first surgery, and come out feeling a hell of a lot better. It's encouraging that I can face such things and not become as overwhelmed as I did when I was younger. Age can be the barer of some very useful gifts.

A curious case of the Blahs

Luckily it is not yesterday. Yesterday was sucky. It was a take-all-you-can-get-to-feel-sad-about-and-mix-it-with-some-self-loathing day, and it did not go so well. Luckily I have a great partner that I can come clean about this kind of stuff with. He's patient with me. Wants to look at my eyeballs when I tell him I'm depressed. Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to the surgery at this point. I was gung ho at first-just excited to be done-but now I'm feeling kind of down about trying to come back from this. I've gained weight and lost muscle and even though I'm still a spring chicken by most accounts, it's not as easy to get back into shape as it used to be. At any rate, I have a long list of questions for the doctor next week, and hopefully I'll feel good going into it. I'm sure I will. I rally well. It's the anticipation that gets me...

*Sigh*

I just returned from my final expansion. I've got 550ccs in. The doctor is kind of back and forth with just how big the final implant would be. I trust him to do what he can. I'd like as much as I can get to put my figure back to "normal." Though "normal" at this point could be achieved by simply slimming down under the armpits. It's getting pretty crowded there. I have one last check in with the doc on 2/17, then my exchange surgery on 2/22. I am really, really ready for this to be done. I think I may have opted for a different reconstruction method if I'd have known I wouldn't tolerate the expansion process well. Since I'm good and medicated, I don't hurt too bad yet, but I'm clumsy as a motherfucker. The pressure is steadily increasing as I write (and stop to put up coffee). I'll attempt to keep in front of the pain. I'm balancing my own medication schedule: muscle relaxers (not the old skool kind that put me out, but a newer type that doesn't feel like much), hydrocodone, and pot. I get really nauseous with the hydro, so the pot helps-and keeps the pain down. I work a short shift tonight after bereavement group and knitting. Thank goodness for friendships and time.